Scared To Have A Little Hope

Mazy’s class did a chapel this year, where they were encouraged to practice the songs they were going to sing in front of the school. One of the songs on repeat on the way to school was “Counting My Blessings” by Seph Schlueter. And wouldn’t ya know, every time I heard it, I got all teary-eyed because the beginning lyrics define what our journey has been:

It’s like it was yesterday
I was a praying for a miracle
Scared to have a little hope
And now looking back today
Seeing all the things You’ve done
I can’t even add them up

One, two, three
Up to infinity
I’d run out of numbers
Before I could thank You for everything

God, I’m still counting my blessings
All that You’ve done in my life
The more that I look in the details
The more of Your goodness I find
Father on this side of Heaven
I know that I’ll run out of time
But I will keep counting my blessings
Knowing I can’t count that high

Here’s the full song if you’d like to listen to it:

Back in September, we were praying for a miracle. That God would heal my heart enough so that I could have a bone marrow transplant. And wouldn’t you know, (I know I shouldn’t be surprised), but God did just that. My ejection fraction was just high enough for me to have a BMT! Then we prayed that a donor would be found. And wouldn’t you know, she was a perfect match. And then we prayed that I could get through the BMT with minimal complications. And I have been doing great, despite a few hiccups here and there. We prayed for those miracles, and God continually provided. Blessings up to infinity!

And yet, I’m scared to have a little hope. You’re probably wondering how could we be remotely scared when God has provided for our family, in countless of ways, bringing us through some pretty deep valleys? But I’m scared to have hope that the cancer is gone. Hope that life could just maybe return back to normal (whatever that is). Hope that God can also use me in my healing, and not just my hurting. How does one have hope again after fighting battles that seem to never end? For this, I am still learning.

One thing I have been studying lately is the brain and how easily our thoughts can dictate our lives – our actions, beliefs, reactions, emotions, etc. It’s been incredibly fascinating and I’ve realized how “stuck in my own brain” I have been. I’ve lost sight of the truth of God. What he says in the Bible. Like to not fear. I fear. To not be afraid. I can be. To trust in God and not lean on my own understanding. Who’s the first to google a new word or issue I’m having? ME! Hands raised high, folks!

I’m scared to have a little hope because I fear what might be taken away from me again. Leaving my job at the school was very painful for me. Not being able to attend youth group events and go to youth in general, left me in tears on Sunday nights, longing to be with the kids I love so much. Entering back into some of these things again, slowly but surely, also has me guarded (literally as I sport my pink masks). It’s like I almost don’t want to get too close, for fear of it hurting again, if it all gets taken away. If you’ve been through any level of suffering, you know exactly what I’m talking about. And let’s be honest, that’s all of us. We all have suffered in some way because we live in a broken and corrupt world.

But I’ve lost sight of who is in control. I resonate so much with Job, from the Bible, in a teensy tiny way. I mean the poor guy was BEAT DOWN from every direction, and yet he still blessed the name of the Lord! If only I could have an ounce of the faith he had! But all of God’s decisions surrounding health and sickness, who is sick, who is not, who has what disease, who doesn’t, are not only for our good, but for the good of those around us too. Suffering isn’t a “get out of service free” card. Trust me, it’s hard to serve when you’re isolated, weak, and can’t really leave the walls of your home. But maybe your marriage struggle is for that friend who needs to be encouraged in hers. Maybe your hospital stay is for that nurse who needs to see Christ in you. Maybe your anxiety is for your child to see that we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength. But you see, ALL of these things require us to look beyond ourselves and see what God is doing in and through us – using it for a greater glory. So when I’m scared to have a little hope, I have to remember it’s not up to me, but up to God, with how He directs my steps and my life. And what he allows, isn’t just for me to go through, but for others to see his glory through it.

I don’t want fear to stop me from magnifying Christ through the gifts and opportunities He has given me. I’m nervous to have that hope again, but I want to use every diagnoses, every triumph, every setback, every piece of our story, to point people to Jesus. Because that is why I am here. And that’s why you are here too. And still here. To point people to the loving grace of our Father!

Everything God does is right and He does it well. I don’t want to lose sight of hope or lose sight of what God might be doing in and through us – it is ALWAYS for a far greater purpose than we will ever imagine!