A Speechless Heart

Sometimes I feel so speechless. As you have probably noticed, I haven’t said much via the blog over the past while, but it is just hard to put into words where we are at in life.

So much joy.

Yet this time can be hard.

We can’t help but reflect back on a year ago. It is hard to believe it has only been a year – we feel blessed to be where we are at in the healing and grieving process, yet we know we have a ways to go. We are playing the “a year ago today we…” game so to speak, only because that is where our minds are. During this time last year, our babies were safely inside the womb only through a miracle. At this point we didn’t know if they took, but we had made it this far. It just felt so right, even though things with Dan’s job went south. Such a mix of emotions and that is where we feel now at times.

What are we supposed to feel? It is such a roller coaster of emotions. We feel so excited to be in Minnesota. We feel privileged to be here. Yet our hearts miss our babies so much. Not just any baby. Not just the desire to hold a baby. Not just the desire to parent. We miss our two little hooties. It is so hard to put into words how we feel, but I am going to give it a whirl.

For almost a year, we prayed and planned to the best of our abilities, for these two little babies. For me as a woman, it was a different experience. I would not be carrying them. We timed out our creating of them, but not in a natural way. For most couples who can have their own children, the planning process looks different. For them, it is rooted in intimacy. For us, it was about paperwork, tests, shots, appointments, more paperwork, lawyers, traveling hours to appointments, and more paperwork. Our planning process looked so different. The joy was to be able to walk that road with another couple (which is unusual) and in being so open about it, have the support of so many. For most couples, only a select few others (if any), know that they are trying to have their own kids. So in having many aware of what we were doing, it created a community of love and support, as we started our own journey towards having our own kids.

Also, in attempting to have our own children through the process we went through, there was only one chance. We knew that if it did not work, that it would be a closed chapter. It was a risk, but through faith and through our desire to follow God’s will, we knew 100% that this was the road God was calling us to – the gestational carrier process. For most couples, there are more attempts (typically). If it doesn’t work the first time, there is typically another chance. For us, that is why losing them has been so hard. We were given SUCH A GIFT through our carrier – one that is irreplaceable. Dan and I (unless a miracle happened with my heart), cannot try again. We can’t even try on our own. That is hard. To have that excitement to try – I can only imagine that feeling. We as a couple can only imagine. We were given the privilege to try in a different way, but only once chance. And God knew that. And we believe to this day, He still is working that whole situation for good. In saying that I don’t want to mislead you into thinking that we understand why God allowed what He did. We don’t – be we see glimpses. We would not be in Minnesota if we had our two little hooties.

Because the process was not normal in the sense of what we call a normal way to have a child, the miscarriage made it that much more real. I never understood what a miscarriage meant when it came to grieving. Granted I was not even the one carrying the child. I hear of people who have had miscarriages and my heart is just torn for them. I cry for them. This sounds selfish, but tears flow for our situation when I hear of someone having a miscarriage. Our hearts are raw yet. God taking our babies home at that time, meant hope was lost for having our own. Hope for a future with THOSE two little ones, was gone. A year of planning for those two little ones – all those appointments, the paperwork, the phone calls, the meetings – to only see the book close on that dream. With nothing to show for it.

Dan and I often say, we want OUR kids back. We want THOSE TWO back. It is not just any child we desire when we say we want two – it’s THOSE two. I have never felt a love (besides my love for Christ) so strong for someone I had never met. I felt we created a bond with those two, long before they were even created. Did we create a bond with the idea? Yes, I suppose you could say that. But I think that is what God wanted us to do – to give us hope through this process. To go all in – to go all in, in complete surrender to His will. If we didn’t go all in, we would’ve missed out on the blessings He continued to give us through the process.

So when we had to say goodbye, we said goodbye to so much more than just two little babies. To think they are in heaven right now, sitting with our Father, brings so much comfort. Some days we long to hold THEM (not just any baby). But our day will come.

We feel our experience through the process we went through is so unique. We haven’t met another couple like us. We have met others who have adopted embryos, but not someone in our situation. I think that is why I struggle to find words – yet I know I want to keep attempting to put it into words. I continue to pray that God will use our story for HIS glory. For HIS sovereign purposes. And though it’s only been a year, we see how God is working in us. Even though we struggle with words in how to explain how we feel, we know God is changing our minds and our hearts through the experiences He took us through. All for His glory. How humbling that He would choose us.

Our story continues. Our reflecting continues. My attempt to put into words my feelings, will hopefully continue. I apologize if something doesn’t come across clear, if it’s vague, or even offensive to some. In talking about miscarriages, I do NOT want to diminish anyone’s miscarriage. In fact, my heart only longs that much MORE for you, to have a child. I talk purely from our own experience of having a miscarriage and we would be the first to say it was not the “natural” way of having one. My heart continues to grieve for our carrier because of that. I have no idea how some of this will come across, but all I know is that I want to continue to share my heart. Thank you for your patience as we continue to navigate through this journey! We have been so blessed by SO many of you – especially our family and friends and you know who you are.

It truly is a beautiful thing to be a part of the body of Christ.