A Willing Spirit

I made my way to the cancer center to get my blood drawn to test my blood levels. It was an ordinary drive, though this time the sun was finally peeking through the clouds. For Michigan, this is an oddity in the winter! As I let the sun hit my face, God gently reminded me of his never-ending presence, even in the midst of cancer. What a journey it’s been.

As I thought about this past year and how January 1, 2022, I had no idea what this year would entail. I thought I would be preparing for a heart transplant. God knew it would be 2022 that cancer would also be part of my journey. I’m so glad he didn’t clue me in! I would’ve said no way. But the more I reflect on this past year, the more I realize how much chemo and the Christian life are a lot alike.

Chemo chisels, kills, destroys, and alters many parts of the body. It has many side effects and ones that almost make me chuckle – who knew it would kill of nail cuticles? Strange. Of course the goal is to kill off the cancer and for leukemia, it flows through every inch of my body, for that is where leukemia lives. It’s a cancer of the blood. It can make me sick to think about something taking over every inch of my body, but thankfully, because of God’s use of the chemo, I am in remission (where less than 5% of blasts live in the body). Now of course we hope that percentage is ZERO, but that’s why I have to go through these consolidation treatments, just to ensure that every little abnormal cell (leukemia cell) is killed. Otherwise it will come back.

I find what God is doing in my life and heart is very similar to what chemo does. There are many parts of Kristin that are still stuck in that sinful nature. The old self. Parts that need to be chiseled away at. Parts that need to destroyed, to never come back again. Parts that need to be altered to look more like Jesus. And it’s a painful process. I don’t like the process, but the end result is looking more like my Savior. And that’s what I want.

It doesn’t matter what you are going through, God often uses trials and difficult situations to shape and form us. It can feel like a type of “chemo” that is painful, life-altering, and challenging in many ways. These trials can make you want to give up. My friend, don’t. I’ve definitely thought that at times, but God is using every situation, every scenario, every trial, to mold and shape you into His image. It’s so hard to understand why He allows what He does, but much like chemo, God uses trials to renew our minds. To heal our hearts.

I don’t like chemo. In fact, I dread going back to the hospital for treatment; until I’m there. Until I realize that without it, my body would be overtaken with leukemia. Much like my heart. If it wasn’t for the trials and difficult situations, my heart would be overtaken with worldly desires and the desires of the flesh. Without God, I would be stuck and so “sick” spiritually. I have so far to go, but I am thankful for the chiseling. Again, even though I don’t always like it! But I don’t have to like it…I just have to love the one who allows it.

May this be our prayer…

Psalm 51:10-12

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
¹¹ Do not cast me from your presence
    or take your Holy Spirit from me.
¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation
    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

A willing spirit. That is what I desire.