Being Home

(Thank you to our sweet friends who let us borrow their vehicle! It was so comfy I fell asleep on the way home :))

I’m sure anytime you come home from vacation, it always feels good to be home. You miss sleeping in your own bed and to some extent, miss the routine of life. Yet you miss what was – the relaxation, the no schedule, exploring, all the things.

Coming home from the hospital actually isn’t much different in a very strange way. Of COURSE I was excited to come home, sleep in my own bed, see my family, and just walk through our house again. But when I was first told I might be going home the next day, I was scared (hopefully that’s not the same reaction you have after vacation :)). There was this piece of comfortability that I only knew to be, in the hospital. Any little ailment I felt, was diagnosed and resolved by the nurses and doctors. How was I going to do this at home? With a cancer that I still seemed to know very little about? More or less, a cancer that is still teaching ME how to handle it?

It was a lot. We drove up the driveway and there hung a sign that Dan and Mazy had mad, that said “Welcome Home”. I immediately lost it. Home was so familiar, and yet I didn’t even know who I was anymore. My name is Kristin, but now I’m Kristin with cancer. I didn’t know who that Kristin was and how to take care of her. But we were HOME.

As we walked in, I didn’t know where to begin. I saw the love that everyone had shown us through flowers, cards, gifts, and it just made me cry. I mean I definitely felt the love from the hospital, and I knew my family was so loved as well, but to all be together to embrace it all? I was overwhelmed with humbleness and love for you all.

After an emotional welcome home, it was time to try and make sense of everything that just happened. Yesterday I spent the day trying to unpack, make sense of the paperwork I’d been given to fill out for this new diagnosis and new patient visits coming up, figuring out what needs to be done, and figure out how I really felt. I know that sounds silly because I will admit, I’m quite in tune with my body due to my heart failure, but this level of fatigue, brain fog (again), and weakness I feel in my joints and muscles? It’s something I’m still trying to wrap my head around.

So where do you begin? I know it’s one step at a time, but after being gone for 3 weeks (that’s a LONG time), it feels like so much. Add in the emotional and mental piece to this too, and those tears can fall pretty quickly, especially when talking about the support we’ve been given.

With that said, we want to thank everyone who came out and supported our little family at the fundraiser dinner the other night. Oh how I wish we could’ve been there in person to thank each and every one of you. I can’t talk about it without crying(still) and please just know that each tear that falls is a tear of gratitude and humbleness. Same with the GoFundMe page as well. I wish I could give you a big ole Kristin hug. Please know that EACH one of you made an impact. I always have a lot to say in life, but this all has put me at a loss for words. I’m terrible at accepting help, and yet I’m learning. One would think I would’ve learned already, but often it comes out of a desire to be the helper. We just can’t thank you all enough. No words will ever be able to express, like I said.

I want to leave you with one more God-story because in all of this, I pray that we ALL would see God’s goodness, sovereignty, love, and protection all the more. Like I often say, He TRULY IS worth serving! Even when earthly circumstances seem overwhelming.

This past April I was hospitalized for just under a week to address my heart arrhythmia issues. When they were ready to discharge me, the doctor wanted to try and do the ablation to correct the arrhythmia in early June. At that point, I had just started a new anti-arrhythmia med and if I chose to do the ablation in June, I would have to stop it immediately so that it had time to wash out of my body before the procedure. I couldn’t fathom going through yet another ablation at that point, so I kindly asked if I could just stay on the new medication for a bit and try to make it through summer. I wasn’t sure why, but mentally I just couldn’t do it and felt this nudge to not go through with it.

The doctors agreed and said, “Kristin, yep, let’s get you through summer and then reconvene in the fall”. So I made it through summer (most amazing summer) and was scheduled to have that ablation on September 15. And that’s when I found out I had leukemia.

Here’s the kicker though. My sister reminded me that if I would’ve had that ablation in June, the leukemia most likely would not have shown up and I would’ve become really sick. Then my electrophysiology nurse called that same day and reminded me of that same exact thing. If I would’ve had the procedure in June, who knows where I would be. In the hospital for one, but I’m sure a whole lot sicker. What I do know is this: I wouldn’t be one round of chemo in already and I probably would still be at home trying to “fight heart failure symptoms” (since they are actually very similar to leukemia symptoms), and who knows.

That’s all God. That is God’s protective, almighty, and sovereign hand in this. His timing IS ALWAYS PERFECT. My friends, this all could be a very different story. If you ever wonder if God is working behind the scenes and if he’s truly in control, let this be a testament to that. I mean I wouldn’t recommend having advanced heart failure and leukemia at the same time, but if I had to, this is the way to go. Early detection and start chemo 48 hours later. Still absolutely mind-boggling to me.

It feels good to finally be home. To start this new normal in my life, even though it’s a “normal” I’m not always willing to embrace. But hopefully I’ll get there. God has given ME so much grace and mercy, and I find I need to give myself that same grace. Small baby steps forward and each one taken in His timing, will lead us to the path He has set out for us. Hang on for the ride!

One of my dreams always was to drive by the Big House on the way home. It’s been YEARS since I’ve been able to go to a game and (self-pity moment) it was hard to know on those Saturdays that people were packing the Big House while I sat in a hospital bed, but this was next to best! As you can tell, it was a bit sunny, but it was SO FUN showing Mazy the outside of it!