Choosing God In The Journey

I merged onto the highway, on the straightaway home. I had 2 hours ahead of me to process what had all just happened. After spending numerous hours in testing, not that they were necessarily physically draining, I was emotionally and mentally spent. Trying to comprehend all that was being done, trying to understand all the whys, while realizing that “this” is my life, was a lot to process. And on that straightaway on I-96, I lost it.

The Struggle

All I could think about was my family back home. What my husband and daughter have to deal with on a day-to-day basis, having a wife and mom who battles heart failure. I thought of all the people who have invested in our life and battled this with us. As the tears fell and words muttered from my mouth, my heart poured out to God. It was only a day out of many that I have spent at the University Hospital in Ann Arbor, MI. But I fell apart, feeling like I had nothing left. But on repeat I said, “God, you are in control.” And in the end, I CHOOSE GOD IN THIS JOURNEY.

The Journey

I had some recent tests done to see if I had cardiac sarcoidosis and to see where I am on the heart transplant spectrum. I’d love to say that the results were clear, cut, and dry, but they came back a bit complicated. They are pretty sure I don’t have sarc, and if I do, it’s a small pocket, but nothing to treat at the moment. So they will continue to monitor yearly. Though, through the PET scans I had, it showed a larger area of new scarring, which is of some concern. It’s not out of the question that I may have had a mild heart attack again, but nothing that set my ICD off. So, they are thinking I might have the start of a blockage in my coronary artery. I will need to have a CT scan and possibly left and right heart caths to see what the pressures and what my arteries look like. If a blockage is found, then they will address that at that time. They also discovered that when my heart is under stress or when I exercise, that my blood pressure does not go up, but down, which says my cardiac output is not what it should be. Essentially, that the heart is failing and this is an area of concern. So, I will have an ECHO at some point to see more of what is going on. Not to mention the arrhythmias I have, where I have PVCs and PACs, that they are having a hard time getting to the bottom of. So where does that put me with a transplant? Not there yet, but as my doctor said, every time we meet, she thinks about it. Is it time? Is it not? Medically I am close, but symptom-wise, I am fairly well in the realm of a transplant patient. I can go on walks, I can do my day-to-day activities with some restriction, but restrictions I’m okay with. So no transplant yet, which we are very thankful. We would love it if Mazy was a bit older to help her process that journey a bit more, but we also trust that God knows best.

What it comes down to is that I have so many different issues with my heart, that as they chase one issue, another one pops up. So what do you treat first? And this is why there is no cure for heart failure. In the end, the heart just fails. That doesn’t mean it’s an automatic death sentence, but how much do you push with meds and treatment before a transplant is needed? So my job now is to report anytime I feel worsening symptoms. And right away; no more Mr. Tough Guy here. If I feel more short of breath, I call Michigan right away. If my blood pressure continues to get lower, I call. I have a “personal” nurse that I keep in constant contact with, a hotline I call if anything urgent arises, and we live close to a hospital if it’s immediate. As I told my doctor, I feel so well taken care of. I also expressed that I believe in God, where I’m not the one who numbers my day, but he does. So that’s why I take it a day at a time, moment by moment. When I think about the result of the tests, God knew. He knew before I was born, what they would be. And so in this, even though it’s hard, even though that drive wasn’t always easy, I choose God in this journey.

The Reality

There are days when I don’t want to take my meds. They make me fatigued, lower my blood pressure, cause me to have to go to the bathroom all the time, and make me feel bloated and lightheaded. Yet I know if I don’t take them, the end result is deadly. And so I choose to take them every morning and evening, not just for myself, but because I choose God in this journey. I don’t want to give up on him and the journey he has for me. God has called me to something specific on this earth and though I don’t always know what that is, I know it’s to further his kingdom and I get a front row seat in that process. Just like every other person! Everyday I wake up as a wife, mom, and most of all, daughter of the King. What a GIFT. THIS is why I choose God.

Yes, it is sometimes hard to comprehend that heart failure will always be a part of my life. There is no cure, but just a managing of symptoms. At times I let my mind think a transplant is the ticket out, but it’s not. God has chosen this for my journey and I want to live out this calling to the best of my ability, knowing that until the day I die, it will always be with me. I can let that consume me and debilitate me, but I know that I have been made for so much more than this! And you have to.

What has God allowed in your life? What do you sometimes wish you could give back to him? What do you need to daily choose God in and not allow the circumstances of this world overtake who you are and who God made you to be? I don’t know what journey God has you on. None of our journeys look the same and that is for God’s perfect purposes. But he also put us on this earth TOGETHER, so that we can encourage, spur on, cheer on, and choose God in our journeys. It’s a daily choice that we need to choose daily, to trust him, give to him, and allow him, to use us for HIS glory.