Clinging To His Promises

Posting pictures of yesterday of the farmers tilling and planting, brings so much understanding of what God is doing in our life.

I have heard from numerous people that grieving the loss of babies is something you never just “get over.” Time can be healing in and of itself, but it is something that will never leave us.

Healing is definitely happening in our family. We feel God is continually showing us areas we need healing, but also reminding us where we have been, all the while, taking us to a new place – a new physical place, where we can continue that healing.

Our minds and hearts have been so heavy with thoughts of next Thursday (May 16) – the due date of our babies. Emotions are up and down because we will also be celebrating 7 years of marriage on Mother’s Day. I sometimes don’t know what to think because Mother’s Day is really hard to think about at times, yet we can celebrate the love Dan and I have. Still, life is so fragile. We look at how quickly our babies were taken home. That is why Dan and I sometimes just cling to what we have in each other – knowing that each day is a blessing. Realizing though, that we are missing two little ones in our family.

I was recently somewhere and that person asked if we had kids – I told him we had lost two and the immediate response was “well, you can always adopt.” There is so much truth in that, yet so much pain attached; especially when that is not where God is calling us right now. I almost feel ashamed to say that we aren’t there yet. In the human mind that seems like the solution to the problem of not being able to have your own kids. God builds families in such unique ways and adoption is SUCH a BEAUTIFUL process! I get all teary-eyed when people tell me they are going to adopt because I believe in it that much. So why wouldn’t we just start the adoption process? For us, there is just too much grief and pain yet. I sometimes feel so guilty, as if we are WRONG for not wanting to adopt right now. It is extremely hard to explain.

Our babies were only 3 weeks in the womb before they passed away. That is not long at all, and I know there are others who have had miscarriages and were MUCH further along. I can’t even imagine. For us, we felt we had those children for a year. It was 11-1/2 months from the time that Tim and Brenda introduced the idea to us, to when God took them home. As much as we were trying to keep in mind that it might not work, we were still living expectantly that this would all come to fruition. So for almost a year, we prayed for those two little babies. Those two specific ones. Planning for those two. Dreaming of those two. Some may think that we have only 3 weeks of loss to grieve, but in actuality we feel we have much more. For a whole year of our lives, we planned for those two, to only have a change of course, perfectly designed by God. It has been hard to switch mindframes. To give up those dreams. To give them back to God. To give our babies back to God. As I was reminded by my cousin this week, Hannah is such a beautiful example of that. I want to be like Hannah – willingly giving them back to God. We felt God calling us to do that through embryo adoption for quite some time. But the test REALLY came when He would ask us to give up the two we thought we would hold.

That is why it is a growing season. Allowing God to till and plant new life in us. He is doing that – He is planting new seeds. Amidst the planting of new life, we still have to deal with the past and figure out how to continue to move forward with empty arms.

It is in the Lord’s arms, that we are safe. He is holding us tight and we can feel it – He is doing that through others. Through other’s support. Through other’s words of encouragement. And most of all, through His words. God continually reminds me of how GREAT and GOOD He is. He only wants the best for us and it is in that promise, that we cling.