From Surviving to Thriving In Marriage

I’m going to be straight forward and say that people don’t talk about marriage enough. How marriage takes work. How marriage is hard. How marriage is effected by life circumstances.

When Dan and I look back on our marriage, it sometimes feels like we haven’t had much of a reprieve from medical struggles. It can feel like life has slammed us with one thing after another, with some situations more serious than others, but they have often left us wondering, what next, God?

When significant life events alter our expectations, it can wreak havoc on dreams and what we thought our lives would look like. Including our marriages. If you have been through any difficult circumstance while married, I’m sure you can attest to this! Sometimes it takes pain to make gains, but that pain can also create strain.

I would love to sit here and say that our marriage has flourished through cancer and heart failure, but that hasn’t always been the case. There has been much stress that surrounds treatment, outcomes, scans, and not to mention, disruption in intimacy, time away from each other, disruption in the family unit, as each family member tries to find their place in the chaos.

Dan and I spent time together in the hospital room and at appointments, but conversations always were about cancer and how to get through the day. Not the things that were needed to thrive; but just survive.

So here we are. Almost 1 year post transplant (takes a full year to recover), coming out of survival mode, having lived more as roommates, and yet wanting better. Wanting more. Maybe your marriage hasn’t had to stand the test of cancer, but I dare bet it has had to stand the test of something just as difficult. No marriage is except from difficulty and yet this is the very thing I feel our society RARELY talks about. If you dare mention marriage is hard, can you just feel the judgment sinking in? But again, I guarantee you EVERY couple could attest to the fact that it can be hard; especially when life’s circumstances throw a wrench into the life you thought you’d have.

So how do we continue to fight for our marriages? To hold to the covenant we made before God? No matter what may come our way?

Marriage is a decision.

The day you said “I do” probably was the easiest part. But that decision is the exact decision we need to make EVERY SINGLE DAY. That I STILL AM committed to this marriage. To you. To life with you. The minute you stop deciding, you start sliding. Every day, make the choice to choose each other.

Stay curious.

I once heard it said that by the time you are older, you will have been married to 5-7 different “people”. Now before you jump to conclusions, what I mean is that the person you married probably isn’t the person they are today. Well, neither are you! Neither am I! I am not the same person before I was married. After I had Mazy. After I went through cancer. I am a different person. But so is my husband! That means two different people, who are constantly changing, are trying to stay married. That is why it is important to STAY CURIOUS. There is ALWAYS something to learn about your spouse. As life changes, learn together. Learn about each other, together. And this is why…(see next)

Marriage takes intentionality.

Anybody else ever live in roommate mode with their spouse? You come home, do your thing, live in the same house, but don’t do anything to grow the relationship? Yep, that can be us – we weren’t being intentional. In marriage, we often think we can’t enjoy life in this “season”, but will in the next, after a certain season passes. We need to stop waiting for the next season. This is where my stinkin’ thinkin’ got in the way. I was waiting for it all to pass – THEN I would be more intentional. Now I get there are times when you have NOTHING left. Been there! Look for the joy in this season of life, for there is always something good. Looking back, Dan and I had time to play many games together in the hospital and at appointments, and we look back at that with fond memories. The circumstances rather difficult, but Dan was intentional about taking games along each time. That was intentionality.

Laugh.

I would say this one was one of the reasons we fell in love in the first place. We could laugh at just about anything. Then cancer hit and that fire was squandered. I stopped laughing when the weight of our circumstances overwhelmed me. But I’ve since learned that laughter helps manage stress, diffuses tension, is obviously enjoyable, and naturally bonds. Proverbs 17:22 says, “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” Yep, I couldn’t attest to this more! LAUGH with your spouse again! Even if it means starting with a silly GIF or meme. Start somewhere.

I have much more I want to say on this topic, but this post is getting rather long. Thanks for hanging with me. I don’t know where you are in your marriage, but I hope in SOME way, you are able to relate. Marriage is so so beautiful, and that’s why Satan wants every part of it. And this is why it takes deliberate, intentional, attention.

You with me? Let’s keep fighting for our marriages and encouraging those around us in their marriages too!