Grief Deepens

Grief expands.

Grief widens.

Grief deepens.

Grief is so much more than grief.

In talking about grief, I do not want to give the impression that we are stuck in this dark hole, trying to find a way out. I think we are far from that. It has been over the last couple of weeks, that I have been able to put my thoughts into words. Grief opens up the unexplainable – emotions come roaring out when you least expect them to. As much as I would’ve loved to have talked more about grief as we were going through the deepest parts of it, there was just no way to explain it at the time. Lately though, I have found it helpful to let out some of those thoughts in hope that others who have gone through painful times in life, may be able to relate.

Relating is all that you can do. Like I’ve said before, no one will ever be able to fully understand your loss. As depressing as that sounds, it’s true. When grieving, you so badly want others to understand the pain you are experiencing, yet when others try to compare that pain, it just makes it even more painful. So yes, it’s a lose lose situation it seems. But what it comes down to is that the loss you are experiencing can only be 100% real to you – losses that others have experienced can’t compare. You have to just realize that what God has brought you to and through, is unique to you.

Grief deepens. I have learned so much about my life – my heart. I have learned characteristics about myself that I did not know were there. I have learned that I feel deeper than I thought I did and they are getting deeper and deeper. Whenever I hear of loss – whether it be a parent, friend, sister, brother, grandparent, spouse, whomever, I sometimes have a hard time not tearing up over it. Partially I think it brings me back to our pain, but ultimately it’s a realization that this world is broken and painful. To hear of others hurting, just deepens my concern for them in a way I never felt before. I once heard that grief opens up the door for more compassion. I think that is so true. I do feel a deeper sense of compassion for those going through hard times – does it always come out? No. I need to keep working on that! I don’t always act on those thoughts. I think because when grieving, it’s hard to continue to give of yourself when there is so much you have to deal with, within yourself. But I know God is increasing that desire in me. I hear about others going through fertility issues and all I want to do is just be there for them. Not tell them necessarily “how it is” b/c every situation is different. But God has increased our passion and concern for those going through fertility issues. I know God is using all that we have been through, to change us.

And it is a CHOICE. It is a choice to change or not. Sometimes I find myself wallowing in my own self-pity. Don’t we all at times? Sometimes I will get angry and frustrated, but I have to CHOOSE to not get stuck there. I have to CHOOSE to think about what God is teaching us. God brought us to our situation and He will lead us through – we just have to choose Him – choose Him as our leader and keep following. There are times when I want to go back (sound like the denial stage?) and just want to go back. But I need to continue to choose to let what has happened, mold us into the people God wants us to be – reflections of Him. I can see changes in me. Yet all those changes aren’t necessarily positive. Meaning, I have learned things about myself that I don’t like – I need to change them! For example, I can get in busy-body mode and just want to keep doing things to prevent me from dealing with something. Bad idea, Kristin! I need to SLOW DOWN! Reading a book called “The Life You’ve Always Wanted” by John Ortberg. Guess what this week’s challenge was in chapters 4 & 5? Celebrate and slow down. One of the challenges was to not watch tv for a week. I am not a big tv watcher, but I took up the challenge anyways. Boy has that helped me slow down! It is making me think of things that I don’t normally think of. Like today I had gotten to work a few minutes early, so I just sat and thought about the day. It was actually really refreshing and relaxing (as I listened to the BEST Christmas cd of alltime – Amy Grant’s :)). We are who we are b/c of the choices we make and God’s grace.

On a random sidenote, we have been blessed with continued thoughts, emails, cards, and love shown. It means so much to us! Yesterday we received some banket from some wonderful people who have been so incredibly supportive of us – delivered by some dear friends of ours. You know who you are! It’s those random acts of kindness that not only fill the appetite, but the heart as well :)!

Today we set out on another Tuesday adventure! Can’t wait!