I Thought I Never Would…

Until you are a parent.

Dan and I had 9 years of living life just us two, watching other people parent, hearing viewpoints of what to do, what not to do, if we ever became parents.

I thought I knew.

I thought I never would (you fill in the blank).

First of all, receive this post as a plea for forgiveness to anyone who has felt I judged them, their parenting, or their viewpoints. If I realized then what I know now, I am sure I would have never said or thought those things.

Forgive me.

I realize that in blogging I open myself up for a lot of judgement too, but my whole point in blogging is just to be me. To show a real person, just trying to navigate this thing called LIFE. I truly hope that’s who you see too.

It was about 2 weeks ago when I found myself laughing. At myself. I thought I would NEVER sleep in the same bed with my child. (insert frown from a few I’m sure).

I get the safety issue. I truly do. But it was well past the wee morning hours and our child needed to sleep. We needed to sleep. So I headed downstairs and within minutes, she was out. Cold. I don’t think we both budged the rest of the night. And it was GREAT. Pride swallowed.

I thought I would never let my child watch tv at a young age.

Then Mazy started to love dogs. And did I say LOVE dogs?

I found the show Clifford and that smile made swallowing every bit of pride worth it! The way that girl kicks, lights up, sticks out her tongue and giggles when she sees a dog, is worth EVERY sight she can get – even if it’s on tv.

I also thought that I would never get frustrated. You see, Dan and I prayed for a child for so long. And then Mazy Grace came into our life. Our thankfulness for her flowed through tears. The love we have for that child, nothing can compare. Really.

But then those sleepless nights happened. Then those crying spells occurred. Then this, then that. You know what I am talking about.

It’s not that my thankfulness lessened, but the realities set in. The realization that this was NOT easy, that I wasn’t as “good” of a parent as what I thought I was, and those sleepy days, all caused me to get very frustrated at times. I remember telling Dan that I felt so incredibly guilty for being frustrated. In his wise wisdom he said “who doesn’t get frustrated?” But in my frustration, I felt then that I was ungrateful.

Though today I was reminded that frustration and hard days offer the opportunity to call on God’s grace. If rough and tough days didn’t happen, we wouldn’t know what grace was. If Mazy never cried, always ate when she was supposed to, always slept through the night, etc., I wouldn’t have a clue about the grace of God in parenting.

One night I specifically remember her crying and crying and crying. This was maybe about 3 weeks ago. After not knowing what to do next (thanks to teething), I just knelt by her bed at 3:00am, raised my hands up, and just started to pray. Then grace happened. Mazy within seconds stopped crying and was sound asleep. I started to cry. God’s grace overwhelmed me at that very moment. I allowed God’s grace to enter in. My frustration dissipated.

All the experienced, legendary, and not-first-time-moms are probably chuckling, but at the same time, able to relate. You probably remember those days. You probably remember the list of “don’ts and won’ts” that you created in your mind before you had your first child.

Then that child came.

And then God’s grace came too.

THAT is what I am thankful for. I am the farthest from a perfect mom and Mazy would be the first to probably say that. And I would too.

No judging here. The times I feel most judged is when I hear other moms saying that “this” is the only way to do it”. I am no expert, but I know that Mazy has done things her way since the day she was born – the unconventional way. And that has been the BEST way for me. Because without her doing things the unconventional way, I again wouldn’t know the depth of God’s grace.

So to all you moms out there who “thought you never would…” it’s okay.

God’s grace is there for you too.