Live Out Your TODAY

Do you ever find yourself living for “the next thing”? Waiting for the next appointment? Wishing away time? Instead of living in the here and now?

Next Monday, I head to Ann Arbor for leukemia testing. It would seem as if this would be the day doctors are able to say “my leukemia is back” or have an inkling of where it’s heading. I’m meeting with both my PA and doctor, which is a first, to talk about a plan of attack if it’s back. I’m having a lot of blood drawn apparently, because I was told to make sure I eat and drink plenty before and have items to snack on after. Then we will meet with the bone marrow transplant team for 2 hours, to discuss my case and see if I qualify for a bone marrow transplant if indeed it does come back.

It feels weighty. It feels heavy. It’s a day I’ve been dreading, to put it bluntly. I don’t want to deal with cancer again. I don’t want to go there and be told that things are headed in the wrong direction. Every day I check the back of my legs to see if I have bruising or red dots because those were the symptoms I had when I was first diagnosed a year ago, but had no idea it was cancer.

I can’t even believe it’s been almost exactly a year (on the 15th), since I went in for an ablation and hours later, was told I had leukemia. It still feels surreal. It feels foreign. Was it really ME? Is it really ME?

Yes it is.

And as difficult as this summer has been with battling the ups and downs of AML, one thing I know for certain is this:

THIS, my friend, is where true hope, peace, and confidence is found. This whole journey, even now, has given me a completely new perspective. Nothing earth shattering, but a different way of living, that has challenged my everyday living.

Every morning, I look in the mirror and tell myself I don’t have cancer. I tell myself that today is what I have. I don’t know what my tomorrow may hold, but God is figuring that one out for me. No need to do that myself. I get the chance to live out today and all that he has in store for me. And I have the choice whether to live it to the fullest or not.

Now trust me, this is REALLY hard. It sounds easy on paper, but really, try doing this. Not that I’ve given up planning ahead (if you look at our calendar, you’d see I haven’t given up on that), but some of the things that used to matter, or the things I used to keep up on, I have let go of the reigns a bit. God has given me TODAY, to do my best, to be the best version of me that I can be, to love others, and most of all, love God with my whole life and being.

What a breath of fresh air. To just live TODAY. Tomorrow has enough worry of it’s own. No matter what you may be going through, there is always HOPE. There is always a reason for it. Open yourself up to today and allow God to use you in all the ways he has set forth for THIS DAY. It’s yours to live and it’s his to give. Let’s make the most of it!

And on a side note…I live like I don’t have cancer because I haven’t been officially diagnosed with it again. The backs of my legs still do not have red dots or bruising. It seems as if I would have symptoms of leukemia if I had it. I don’t know what God is up to, but we keep praying for that miracle. I believe He can and I also believe that He will get us through whatever he allows. Everyday I have to choose to live “cancer free” mentally, and not assume it will come back, even though statistics are leading that way. Even though my upcoming appointments are all in prep for when it does. Thank goodness God is in control and not me because his plan is so much greater than any statistic.

Thy will be done.