Moving Closer and Closer
I feel I have been a little neglectful when it comes to the blog – and as I would say, “shnikees!” It has been an interesting week in very unique ways, but one to truly be thankful for. God has been doing what I would call “crazy” things in our life it seems, but we have only Him to thank. He has taught us a lot this week – the biggest? Don’t ever give up on working on surrendering EVERYTHING to God.
I hit a moment this week where I started to doubt. I did not like that feeling one bit. I had received a call this week from the fertility center, saying that I needed to see a genetic counselor. A what? I may have even said outloud, “wow.” The doctors had met this past Monday and before they make a decision on whether or not we could 100% donate our embryos, they wanted me to go see a genetic counselor. They are wondering if the first heart problem I had, has anything to do with my genetics. To be honest, that was a hard pill to swallow. I sometimes have a hard time going back to that part of my life because I want to just put it behind me. I want to move forward, but “duh” Kristin, that whole reason you are where you are today is because of your heart. When I got off the phone with the center, I just bawled. I didn’t want to have to do “one more thing” with regards to my heart. I know it’s messed up. If something genetically is wrong, I don’t even want to know. I almost feel like it would be rubbing it in. But I KNOW God has a PERFECT purpose in it.
The main reason for needing to do genetic testing on me is if we were to donate our embryos (which we are hoping to do), our recipients would need to know what “risks” our embryos carry. We honestly hope that whomever they would go to, they would feel led by God to choose ours, but they need to know too what our medical history is. In all reality, I guess it would be interesting to know if it is something genetic. Not that that would alter ANYTHING that we are doing, but it would be interesting.
It took me about a day to get over the frustrations, but I just had to remind myself that is just one more step in the 1,000s that we are taking in this process. There is a very lengthy waiting process to get genetic testing done apparently, but we are willing to wait. God has given us more patience than I even knew we had, so we need to keep thinking the same way with this too. God has a PERFECT plan in all of this.
Tonight Dan and I met with Tim and Brenda for a few hours (that’s a whole other blog post in and of itself). One thing Brenda said that really stuck with me is to LIVE EXPECTANTLY. I have heard her say that before, but it really hit me tonight. I know I’ve said I don’t ever want to EXPECT God to do something – to me that means He SHOULD do this or that a certain way. I make it selfish and all about MY timing. But to LIVE expectantly, is being confident that He will carry us through. That saying makes me take a step back and let God take the lead. It’s hard to explain the difference I feel with those two sayings, but I think Brenda hit this process on the dot – live expectantly.
Tonight was one of those moments when I wish you all could be a fly on our wall, again. To hear the laughter and joking around that happened between our four walls tonight – it’s unexplainable. We feel so much of what we are going through IS unexplainable – it’s because GOD is leading us. I have realized in all of this, some of what God does, just isn’t explainable and I just want to leave it at that. As we closed in prayer tonight, the tears just flowed. I cannot wait to sit with God one day in heaven with us 4, hearing what God’s initial thoughts were. What He thought of us as we went through this all. What HE laughed at. To just all come together and just sit and talk. I cannot wait until the day!
