Another Ultrasound Update

Had another ultrasound today! I may sound like a broken record, but I believe this is fairly normal to have this many. I know that they want to keep a special eye on me because of my heart, but so far so good. I have been switching between the offices in Kalamazoo and Grand Rapids, and today’s was in Grand Rapid. Dan said “man, you are really getting to know the roads of I-196 and I-94 these past two weeks!” Yeah it is a lot of driving considering we don’t live that close to either, but the drives have not bothered me one bit. I often throw in a cd and jam away or just turn it off and have me and God time. Sometimes in the quietness of the car is when I feel so close to Him. Nothing distracting me, except the road (thankfully).

Today they said I had a 14.5 egg (not sure what “measurement” it’s in). I had I think 3 in the 13’s, 1 in the 11, and a couple in 10’s and 9’s. Retrieval happens at 17-18. They were impressed by the big one, which made me excited and that I had a couple other ones close to that too. It is just so fascinating to see an ultrasound of my ovaries.

This next part comes from someone who will never experience a pregnancy. I realize that some of this may come across as kind of “weird” but bear with me :). As I was driving up, I was excited to see what progress my eggs had made. Going into today, I knew that there is still a possibility that we will only do two because of some circumstances. I am really struggling with that piece. Today as I arrived, I was not feeling very good. On the drive up I was having really bad cramping and some sharp pains. Mornings are always the worst (typically). When I got into the room I told them how I was feeling and they just reminded me that it’s going to get worse (great!) and that because the ovaries are getting so full, I will get uncomfortable. They said it was pretty normal and if it gets unbearable basically, to go in. As I was laying there, I watched them do the ultrasound. I watched each egg get measured and kept thinking “wow, how amazing it is to think that I have 10ish eggs(though some are quite small – that’s why they didn’t show up the last time). Then I realized that we may not keep them all. I almost started to cry. I realized that producing eggs and “carrying” them will be the closest thing I will ever feel to a pregnancy. I can feel them “move” or something going on down there. I often  put my hand on my stomach and think “this is just a glimpse of what carrying a baby is like.” I find these eggs to be so precious. I get to have an ultrasound. I get to see them grow. I know they are just tissue and a woman passes eggs monthly. But for not being able to experience a pregnancy, I find this to be the next best thing. I am carrying what will hopefully become a child(ren) someday in a way. It is hard to think that we may not use all the eggs – that I am carrying these “extras” for nothing. Part of me wishes that if we were to only do two, that God would’ve created only two. To think that we will just discard the eggs we don’t need is very saddening, considering it is the piece that means so much to me – that I get to be a part of this process. That the eggs we may discard are the ones that could’ve been made into embryos for a second or third try, or put up for adoption. I can never fully explain the emptiness that we felt when we found out we may not do embryo adoption because of some ultimatums we were given. I still struggle with it. I don’t know what God has in store for us this next week, but this coming week is THE week. I know God will guide us perfectly, even though the road may continue to be difficult.

So until I have my egg retrieval, I want to rejoice for the eggs we have. God has blessed us with some healthy ones and I have not lost anymore. Praise God! That is a huge answer to prayer. I am going to rejoice in knowing that what I am doing is the closest I will ever be to a pregnancy. That deserves some celebrating. I can take the pain – the joy this has brought me, covers any cramp I may have. The nurses said I need to lay low – for Kristin that is hard, but to take care of these eggs, I will definitely do that.

So yes, it’s odd that I would find so much comfort in carrying eggs, but this has been very special to me. To give myself 3-4 shots a day to produce/mature these eggs, brings comfort to this woman’s heart who knows that God is still at work in our “family” even though I can’t naturally give us a “family.” God has been so faithful and good.