Our “Agains”
Still digesting.
The more I have thought about what God has done to my heart (again), the more I realize how significant this is (again).
Not just because we were given the green (again).
Oh the beauty of saying the word “again”. Truly, we are content. A few days ago, I felt this urge to quickly have another child, just in case my heart got worse. I felt this urge because I was in a healthy place in life and wanted to take advantage of it. But really, it was for all the wrong reasons.
I know that it is our business with what we decide to do about children, but I am learning more and more, how many others are in the exact same position we are in. Do you sacrifice health for another child? Do you take the risk?
Those are questions we think about and we understand that many in this world don’t even have to think about those questions. But for us, these are deep questions to consider. Questions that could set the course for the rest of our life.
And that is why about 24 hours after feeling that sense of urgency, I realized I was going about it all wrong.
I was living in fear. Living in fear of what might happen if we don’t, living in fear of what might happen if we do. And that is not where God wants me to be. So that afternoon, I told Dan that I had a few things to work through and that I was at peace. I thought I was at peace before, like the day we found out about my heart, but things in my head quickly sped up.
Then I looked at Mazy. Not just glanced, but really looked at her. Looked deep with her and who she is. She needs me. She needs me as her mom. Dan has said the same thing. And he wants me here too. I was not okay after having her and looking back, it was a scary time for our little family.
Do we really want to risk it again?
We don’t know. And that is why we are just going to sit back and enjoy our little sweetie. Enjoy every minute of her, whether or not she is our first or our last or both.
As my dear friend Brenda often told me in difficult times, God sees, God knows, God hears. God put us in the position we are in, for a reason. He has designed this part of our life, uniquely for us, and for us to enjoy.
I am going to enjoy my health. Enjoy the ability I have to exercise and get even healthier. Enjoy the time I have with my loves – my husband and my sweet Mazy. Could it get any better? I still tear up over the blessings God has given us. And even more so now, a healthier heart. Yes, there are still issues. Heart issues that may always be there. But I look at where I was and where I am now.
Again, God has healed and again, He is faithful. Couldn’t be more thankful. So if you’ve been wondering when that announcement is going to come of another child, the only announcement right now will be announcing His faithfulness and working in our life, through our little family of 3, until we feel God leading us down a different road.
So to those who are walking a similar journey, know that God knows, God sees, God hears. And God knows what your future will look like. Enjoy now. Enjoy the moment.
How has God acted “again” in your life? Through another clear cancer scan? Through another hospital stay? Arriving again on the other side of a marriage struggle? How has God been faithful AGAIN in your life?
