Roller Coaster

Today was an emotional roller coaster, mostly in a good way actually. When I clean on Wednesdays at church, I have hours and hours to just think. There were a few times I got quite choked up just thinking, but it was good. Then I came home and debated whether to look at a book someone had given to me to reference. It’s a book called “When the Womb is Empty.” I didn’t want to pick it up b/c of the title – I shouldn’t have to read a book called that. But I kept feeling this urge to see what it said. I am sooo glad I picked it up! I cried through much of the readings I did, but they were really good tears. I related to so much in there (even though it was about infertility – but it’s the same concept: thinking you’re going to have children, but then unable to). I found incredible comfort and peace reading it! I’m sure I will reference it sometime – I’m just still letting it all settle. I was also reading my devotional “Jesus Calling” and there were so many things that just hit home in there – and I was bawling again. But these are tears of healing I feel. Healing from the frustration; healing from what we are going to be missing; healing from the anger; healing from the hurt. Healing is a process and today I realized that healing is going to have many forms – reading a book, reading the Bible/devotional, talking with someone, or even just thinking. In order to heal, tears will need to be involved and that’s why I say they are good: filled with deep sadness, yet realizing I am moving forward and healing.

I also had great conversations with people today. You know who you are, but they were amazing. Amazing b/c I felt understood – even though they aren’t in the situation, I felt true compassion and support. Compassion that no matter how long it takes for us to accept this, it’s okay. Are you sensing a theme in the past few posts? I’ve realized I’ve said “it’s okay” a lot lately. But today I felt it again that it’s going to be “okay”. I am truly blessed to have people who love and care so deeply for us.

One more thing that’s been on my mind. I know Dan and I may come across as usually being happy – shoot, we hang out with kids all the time, how can we not be :)? And we obviously usually are :). But this past month has been nutso. Lately these posts have been very real and are not what you may typically hear from us/me. I’ve struggled with whether to be this honest on a blog – something that is open for people to see the true us. But that is exactly why I type – to help people realize we are real – that even though we hang out with kids a lot, that we struggle too. I also blog b/c it’s an outlet for me; it’s a way for me to deal with what we are going through. It’s personal, but our youth group kids have taught me to be myself b/c that’s what they are to me. I can’t be a hypocrite! So with that said, this is me. I want people to know the journey God is taking us through b/c now and always, I want Him to have all the glory.