Taking Steps Forward
So many changes this past fall. So many emotions. So many thoughts. So many things to be thankful for. I remember back in October, wondering what December would be like. I remember wondering what a month from when we found out, what it would be like. I can honestly say that I feel God has truly helped me in “moving on.” Moving on makes it sound like I am “okay” with what has happened. I can’t say that. But I can say that I am starting to accept it. I know my posts probably seem so up and down – one post it’s positive, the other burdened. But that is the reality of the path.
Someone had wondered why was this is so hard to swallow when we kind of knew that this would be a possibility. Legit question, but at the same time, our hopes had to change. In August when we talked about me getting these tests done, we still had I felt, a good hope that we would still have our own kids. We truly believed that. Though, in the back of our minds, we knew there was the possibility we wouldn’t – we just didn’t want to go there. After October, we realized that what was in the back of our minds, now had to be pushed forward and that the hope we had, we really had to let go of. That change of thinking really takes a lot of emotions and continues to. I first didn’t think this was all real; that this was happening to US. But it was real. Today I look at the situation and I feel we are starting to get into a rhythm of life – looking at life differently. I can say it’s been a lot of positives that has taken a lot of emotions. It’s hard to explain until you’ve been through it, but I know being able to express what we are going through is important to help others understand as much as they can.
Yesterday was one of the first days that I heard the word “pregnancy” and didn’t feel like bricks hit me in the heart. I didn’t feel this sense of panic – wondering if I’m going to cry or not. It was a feeling of okay, that’s still hurts and it’s hard, but apparently it’s not for me. I was honestly a little shocked, but I knew it was GOD providing healing. I feel my wounds are starting to make scars. Scars remind you where you’ve been, but are a promise of healing to me. The wounds feel they are getting less and less, and scars are starting to appear, and it’s a great feeling. Not saying I won’t have bad days again b/c I KNOW I will, but this is all part of the process.
Also, God has placed other obstacles in our life that have come more to the forefront. Not that we have prayed for that, but that is what God has given us. It is a tough road, but God knows the whys, sees our frustration, and knows the end result. I know one day I will look back and realize how far God has taken us – sometimes it doesn’t feel like it’s very far, but it will feel like that someday. God is faithful!
