This Is Heart Failure

This is heart failure.

Popping the top of my hot pink pill boxes every morning and evening, is a humble reminder that if it wasn’t for these pills and most of all, God’s grace, I wouldn’t be here.

These 22 pills that I take daily, represent a journey that started when I was 17 and a journey that has had a lot of twists and turns. Twenty years later, my life’s story continues to be written by the very God who created me. These pills don’t define me, but boy do they sure tell a story.

These 22 pills represent a disease that is the #1 killer of Americans: heart disease. When I see what it takes to keep my heart beating from a medical standpoint, it’s reminder that even though we fear so many more things in life, we are not the ones who number our days. So often in life, we think that our goal is to prevent death. That we are on this earth to try and live as long as possible. To be as “safe” as we can and do everything we can to not die. Now of course there is some truth to this, but my friends, we are not in control of our lives. As much as we THINK we are, we are not. I am trying everything I can to manage my heart failure and it’s just not enough. It will never BE enough. It’s a disease that will forever be with me and these 22 pills will not save my life. God will.

And when I say “save my life”, it’s not here on this earth. My life is saved by the very death of my Savior on the cross. Like I said earlier, I can take these pills to combat my heart failure, but they aren’t the main life-saver. It’s my Savior. I know this side of heaven, God has a very specific role for me and each day, I have the opportunity to discover exactly what that is. I don’t know what the next day will hold, but I know that for “this” day, God makes it pretty clear.

Proverbs 16:9 says: The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.

I can only do so much. Everyday, I never know how I’m going to feel. Mazy and my family have to daily deal with the ups and downs of my disease. Some days I feel great! Others, I can’t stand up without getting lightheaded and need to hold on to the closest object. I was recently referred to a more advanced heart arrhythmia doctor at Michigan because I have exhausted my options with my current doctor. Hard news to hear, knowing that my doctors are running out of options. But in the end, that is why I am close to a heart transplant. The tests show it, my symptoms show it. There are starting to be fewer and fewer options to manage my heart failure and those 22 pills would actually be even more if my body could tolerate it. But this is also a reality: my body can only handle so much.

This is where my human mind and my spiritual heart are always at battle. It’s hard to sometimes comprehend all that is happening, yet trust that God sees, God knows, God hears, and is weaving His perfect plan into my life. When I see our daughter struggle immensely with my heart disease, I can’t help but ask why? When I am fluid-overloaded and wonder what went wrong, I can’t help but wonder, what did I miss? When I get a message that a medication or current path isn’t working, I can’t help but wonder, why again? But I firmly believe in my heart, that God establishes his steps and my job is just to walk in them, day-by-day. One step at a time.

I continually go back to what an ER doctor told me a few years ago, while I waited for an ambulance to take me back to University Hospital in Ann Arbor. “Kristin, this is just another step in your journey.”

My friend, we can ALL say “AMEN” to that! It’s just a step. Sometimes they feel giant, but it is but a step.

It doesn’t matter what you are going through in life. You don’t have to take 22 pills for your heart failure to realize that it’s by God’s grace that you are here! But I pray that you see that. My hope is that you see your story unfolding in ways that are unimaginable and that you aren’t afraid to share it. May you see that it’s THE SAVIOR OF THE WORLD, the KING OF OUR HEARTS, that rules. Not any disease. Not any virus. Not any bank account total. Not any earthly relationship. Not any success. Our King of the world, who calls us HIS OWN, rules.

Let that be your peace and calm today. And no worries, I type this as a sermon to myself, as I am someone who needs this message just as much as anyone else. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t share my heart in this way. My faith waivers just as much as yours, so may we walk this journey knowing we aren’t alone, but have our heavenly Father that connects us as one body in Christ. Whatever journey you may be on, let it be a testimony of God’s grace!