This Just Doesn’t Feel Right

The end of school last year, sure didn’t end the way we had all hoped. I remember in the middle of last March, school was cancelled for 3 weeks. At the time, I felt that seemed absolutely absurd and there was no way school would be cancelled for 3 weeks because of a virus. Little did I know.

Remember the toilet paper shortage? Yeah. I remember truly needing it, as in down to our last 2 rolls and mind you, I’m on a diuretic so we go through a LOT. Dan searching 3 different places for it. All until our neighbor overheard us talking about where else to look and up and over the fence, came a pack. A simple item such as toilet paper, no where to be found.

Remember driving down the road and there being no one else? Yes, that too really happened. The stay-at-home orders seemed never ending.

Remember not being able to attend church at all? Outdoor services weren’t even an option.

Countless events, gatherings, and classes have been cancelled. We can no longer see the look people’s faces, due to masks. Our relationships have changed. Some relationships even severed because of the virus. How I parent has changed. What I need to talk to my daughter about has changed. It seems as if everything has changed.

And this just doesn’t feel right, does it?

But this, my friend, is still all under God’s authority. His sovereignty. His good, pleasing, and perfect will. And even though this just doesn’t feel right and how I feel this “isn’t how life is supposed to be”…well, that’s exactly it, Kristin. This ISN’T how life is supposed to be. Because on this side of heaven, our world drips with sin and it’s only through the drips of Christ’s blood, that we can cling to the hope that this isn’t how it will always be.

I’ve heard it said that this is our “new normal” and I’ll admit, I grieve that. I long for life to be the way it was. And yet in doing so, I realize I am denying what Christ is doing in me. You see, all things under heaven are brought under the authority of God. Nothing surprises God. Nothing occurs without him allowing it to. And in all that has happened, it is Christ who is working relentlessly to increase our faith and trust in him. Yet I so easily deny his work and fight against what he is trying to accomplish, only making the whole kerfuffle even more stressful.

I’ve never seen nor heard so much fear in the voices of those around me, both near and far! It is deafening at times, and yet my heart aches. My heart aches for those that carry that debilitating fear because fear gets you nowhere. Trust me, I’ve been there! PTSD got the best of me after my heart surgeries and it took some real heart and head work to get through it! It affected everything I did, thought, and it was NOT a healthy way to live. Through God’s grace though, He rescued me out of the pit of it all and I fight daily to never go back there. And so seeing the fear around me, it stirs my heart. Is this really how God wants us to live? Absolutely not.

So let me ask, in times when you may be thinking, “this just doesn’t feel right”, how might God be stirring your heart? What might he be trying to say or change in you? Don’t worry about everyone else. Don’t point the finger and say “they are the ones that need to change”. Allow grace to wash over your own heart first. And really, we should always have this type of feeling, this unsettledness about us because this is not our eternal home. But even in those moments, let God’s sovereignty and mercies flow abundantly.

One other thing that really hit me was that my daughter is watching and listening. Always. I’ve often thought through my heart journey, that how I respond is setting the course for how she will respond in tough situations. And now this. A pandemic that has affected the entire world. When will we ever see something like this again? I guess I say that in hopes that we never will, but there are no guarantees. So how am I preparing her? How are my responses, my words, and my actions, reflecting a godly response, so that when she endures trials and struggles, that she too, can lean on her Savior? It has changed everything for me. Every word that comes out of my mouth – not just about what doesn’t feel right – is being heard. Is she being told truth? Not the perceived truth around us, but being told about THE TRUTH? Is she being taught trust in God or to trust solely in man?

I know this all just doesn’t feel right. I sometimes wish I could go back “x” number of years, but we can’t deny what God is trying to do here, so hang on tight. This is just another step in the journey. In our faith journeys. And one day, it will all come together as we enter the gates of heaven. And there will be no turning back. Just imagine!