Uprooting Envy

Three times a week, for the past month and a half, I have driven to Grand Rapids for labs and cancer appointments. As our van makes its way to cancer center, I see cars whizzing by, and I wonder where are they headed? What does their life look like? Are they driving to work? Do they feel life is mundane? Sometimes I see whole families in vehicles and am curious, are they taking a road trip somewhere? What brought each car onto the highway?

When I was on the verge of a relapse last summer, I found myself yearning for normalcy. For life to be the way it was before cancer. Before heart issues. Before, before, before. I long to work again at a school I love and even more so, be with the people I love. I long to go to a store and not worry about how many cars are in the parking lot, wondering if it’s safe to go in to grab a gallon of milk. I long to not feel like an outsider, having to stand in the back, to the side, or decide to not go at all for fear of getting sick. I look horizontally, and wish life was the way it used to be.

I don’t say this for ANY sort of pity party, but to call out my own envy. THIS is where God has been challenging my heart with this bone marrow transplant. It is one long marathon that seems to keep going and going, and the longer I run it, the more envy I find myself having.

I know I look a bit strange wearing a hat and mask when it’s 70 degrees out, and it’s hard when I see people come and go from places so freely. But I am doing the exact same thing that I feel others do with me. Judging from the outside.

I sure look like a cancer patient this time around, but that is just what’s visible on the outside. Last year I did not and sometimes it was hard. Same with my heart issues – not really visible. Sometimes “wearing” our ailments is almost easier because there is a bit more understanding. But not all scars and struggles are visible to others. But all scars are a testimony of the ways God has brought healing. But some carry emotional and mental scars as well. Why in the world would I envy that? Yes, it sounds so freeing to go from here to there without having to think twice about it. Is it safe? Will I be too close to people? Will I get sick? But I have no idea the questions others are asking in their lives. Am I safe? Will I have enough money for this food? Will my child have enough clothes for the year? Will my husband come back tonight? Kristin, you have NO CLUE.

Disappointments and desires have been dashed in this journey, and it’s been hard to swallow at times. And when those disappointments happen, Satan uses them to capitalize on my envy and my desire for my life to look different than what it does. But I’m missing the entire point. The point being, that God is going to use this to display his wondrous works through it. How, I don’t always know. But He will because He’s God and He never lets anything go to waste. NOTHING. And that’s what I lose sight of. I lose sight of it in the pain, the frustration, the recognition of what I’m missing out on, but God will use it and turn it for good. The scars? Whether visible or not, tell a story and God is going to use it to further His kingdom if you let Him.

I’ve gotta get control of my envy and stop looking horizontally. When I see that car driving down the road and wonder where they are headed, it could be to a funeral of their spouse. It could be to visit a sick child in the hospital. Who am I to create an idea in my head as to where they are going? Stop the envy, Kristin. Stop looking horizontally. I need to keep looking up, where all good and perfect gifts come from.

God will use this. God has a plan for this transplant. And God has a plan for YOUR life too. All your scars. All of your pain. All of your suffering. God has it all figured out. Don’t look horizontally like I do at times, and wish your life looked like someone else’s. Because we have no clue. May we live out the callings and purposes God has placed on our OWN lives, and remember that God has a specially designed plan for that other person on the highway too. I don’t want to miss my purpose, in this moment, by wishing it was different. God will redeem all brokenness and suffering. Because that is what He came to do.