Working Through Some Challenges

As I said in my last post, I did stop breastfeeding.

When I first became pregnant, a common question asked is “are you going to breastfeed?” I often said that I would give it a try and see what happens. Really though, what I meant while screaming inside was “YES!” Breastfeeding is something that I really wanted to work and planned on doing for at least 6 months. That’s at least what I had planned in my head.

You would think by now, that our plans, the way we would like things to go, is often not how God allows them to go. So you would think by now, that if something doesn’t go according to our plans, that we would be okay with it. Well, should I say that I would be okay with it. I have to humbly admit, that was just not the case once again.

Last week I decided to stop breastfeeding. I know those words cause so many emotions in mothers because for those who struggled with breastfeeding, probably feel a sense of relief, knowing that indeed, it just does not work for everyone. And for those who are like a milk machine, have a hard time imagining it not working and wonder why anyone would quit? Trust me, I was in the latter category until I gave breastfeeding a whirl.

I came to the conclusion last week that even though breastfeeding is such a beautiful thing and yes, I do think that in a perfect world, it should work for everyone, but our broken world is evident – even in breastfeeding. Much like getting pregnant and trying to have children, it just is not easy for everyone. There is a reason why we were married almost 9 years before we had our first child – not by our choice, but we realize now that it was all part of God’s perfect plan. Breastfeeding is the same way – it just is not easy for everyone.

In a perfect world, no woman would struggle with latching, with producing enough, and infections. I learned very early on, that I was soon in the category of not producing enough. It all started when I had to take a diuretic. I’d like to think that is what caused my inability to not produce enough, and even more so, a CONSISTENT amount, but even after I stopped taking the diuretic, my production was just not consistent. You can hold up the TMI flag, but after talking with many women who have breastfed, this is a common issue. I share this because I want those who have breastfed and struggled with it, to not feel alone. I have had amazing support in the struggles, so I want to pass that support along!

Last week, I decided to stop being selfish, swallow my pride, and do what is best for Mazy Grace, and that is to stop breastfeeding. I can’t even begin to tell you how many tears I have shed over that decision. Though I look back at how many tears I have cried over the past 5 weeks because it was just not working, and I realized that it was high time. Really. For Mazy’s sake and my sake. And well, Dan’s sake too. Bless his dear heart! After 5 weeks of me trying and trying to make it work, it was time to give in and realize that I am going to love Mazy better and be healthier myself, if I stop. Oh do I wish I could have just told my body to make enough. To make a consistent amount. But being a part of this broken world, I realized that it just wasn’t going to happen. Trust me, I tried as much as I could to try and increase production, but there just wasn’t a chance to go back and repair the damage that was done.

A health professional said it well to me last week – the first few weeks after Mazy was born, my body had gone through too much trauma with regards to my heart. Too many weeks of my body not being able to do what it was supposed to do. It was just too much. She said that if everything had gone smoothly after delivery, breastfeeding would probably be a breeze, but to try and reverse the damage that was done, may not be worth it, especially if I would have to take a diuretic pill again. I decided that feeding Mazy every 1 1/2 hours, for almost 45 minutes at a time, but still having to supplement after because she still did not get enough, just was not worth it. Yes, the milk was worth it (the maybe 2 oz. she got after 45 minutes), but it was not worth the stress and frustration she showed and the stress and frustration I felt. I know that my stress effects it as well, but even after pumping for almost a week, it was evident my body just was not doing what it was supposed to do.

Deciding to stop was the hardest decision, but the best decision I could have made for all of us. I admit I felt like a failure. Did I mention the crying? I felt less of a woman because for some it comes so easy. I felt that I was not able to provide for our child like I should be able to. Breastfeeding is fulfilling and that I did not want to lose. But those were all reasons why I MYSELF did not want to quit. Yes, breast is best, but when she was not getting enough and was crying so hard because she would be so hungry (and I didn’t realize that was the problem), that was not what was best for her.

So last Wednesday I decided to breastfeed her for the last time. I cried through the majority of it, but it was a chapter bound to be closed. Really, stopping made Mazy happier because she was getting enough, so again, I had to just get over myself,

We also learned last week that Mazy has acid reflux, so we are giving her some drops for that, all in hopes of helping her feel better. Poor girl has been through so much I feel! We also still bring her to the chiropractor when needed.

As of last week, Mazy is now 11 pounds exactly, which is in the 85 percentile, and is 22 3/4 inches long, which is still almost off the charts. She is growing width-wise, which is good! She was such a skinny squirt! Ah, we love this little girl so much!

This is our journey and we are so thankful for all that God is teaching us through parenting and for myself, motherhood. I wouldn’t trade it for anything – even the most difficult of times! Even if it meant having to give up breastfeeding – it was incredibly worth it!