Think back to a time in your life when things were just plain hard.
Do you remember being in a bit of a fog?
With any traumatic event, I would say this “fog” is something that is to be expected, though I did not see it coming. I’ve heard it said that being under anesthesia, sometimes it can take over a month for your brain to fully “come back to.” I always thought that was a joke, until now.
Having been under anesthesia and sedated more times than I can remember (thanks, fog), I am realizing that when you come out of a difficult situation, it takes awhile to get back to what was. Back to thinking clearly, remembering things, and having motivation again.
I wouldn’t say it was depression. I would say I may have had a slight depression after having Mazy, due to the health issues I experienced on top of just giving birth. Coming out of my open heart surgeries, yes I went through PTSD, but the sole fact of having two incredibly major surgeries in such a short amount of time, depleted me. I am not sure how to explain it, except to say that I had a hard time thinking about anyone else, except myself. I know. That sounds insensitive and selfish. But if you’ve been through a hard time, you know what I am talking about.
I glanced back at my calendar the past two months and I wrote down EVERYTHING. I’m surprised I didn’t even schedule going to the bathroom in there. I mean everything. Because otherwise I knew I would forget! That fog overtook my brain in so many ways. And not just in remembering things. I lacked motivation and energy to do the things I used to love. Like making our house a home. Even getting together with people took so much energy. Not that I did not want to do these things, but I knew afterwards, I would be so drained. But I now find myself coming out of that fog.
And it is such a welcomed feeling. I am becoming motivated to organize things again (which is like going to Disney for me), wanting to put things up on our walls (I’ve had just a little time to think about it), and also see people. Not that I did not appreciate people and friends, but my body was working so hard at getting better, I sometimes felt I had little to offer after loving Mazy. Again, sounds so selfish, but it was my reality.
It will take awhile to get the energy back I need to not tire easily, but every single week, I see improvements. Still. It is mind-boggling to me (and no, this isn’t just the fog), to think that God has taken me this far. I’m blessed, honored, and humbled, that He would choose to do the things He did. Because He knew I sure needed a good kick in the pants again to remind me of His blessings!
The fog is clearing and I am able to see more of who God is and what He is doing in my life, thanks to the clearing. Before, doing devotions was even very difficult. I had a hard time processing what I read. That is probably why I have only read two books in the last 2 1/2 months. You’d think I would’ve read a library right now. Praying, well, things didn’t always come to mind. But God knows. He knew the state of my mind. Now it’s time to keep trying to get back on track.
Sometimes it takes a fog, to see things more clearly in the end, anyways.
Have you ever experienced “the fog?” In what ways? How did it affect your life?