Continuing our embryo adoption story…
Our hearts ached. Ached and ached for those who were in the same predicament we were in: desiring children. Dan and I would sit in our living room and have conversation after conversation, talking about how we could possibly help these couples. These couples can carry, but cannot conceive. We can (God-willing) conceive, but cannot carry. We know a glimpse of what it is like to not be able to have kids the “natural” way.
The next time we met with the nurse, we had a few more questions about embryo adoption. At that time, there was a 15-20 month waiting list. Again, ache. Our waiting was over. Brenda was the answer. We kept thinking about these couples on a WAITING list. We learned that even being on a waiting list, shows the couples desires. First of all, it is not cheap. They too, have to go through the IVF process. Couples drop off of the list because it is just too hard of a wait. I cannot even imagine.
We went home and just prayed and prayed. The desire to donate was becoming stronger and stronger. Yet, we did not even know if it was right. Was it a sin? Was it against what God would desire? We did not know. So we just kept praying and praying.
As time went on, we dealt with some tough questions. This is an excerpt from my journal back in the beginning of February. It starts off with a few of the questions people were starting to ask and then my response at that time:
give them up?
still donate embryos?
kindly tell them that if they walked two steps in our shoes, they may rethink
some of the questions. Until you have walked with us, the path God has chosen
for us, it will be hard to fully answer those questions, the way they want them
to be answered. Fertility struggles are hard to explain because they involve so
many emotions – so MUCH leads up to the point of needing to go to a fertility
center. It’s not like I went to the doctor one day and they referred me to the
fertility center. Really, our “fertility journey” started the
day I found out that I may not be able to have my own children, 10 years ago.
For the past 10 years, I have thought about this. I have wondered and wondered.
Then in the fall of 2010, reality hit. So for a year, we dealt with not
thinking we would have our own kids. Then in October 2011, we were presented
with this option.
I read that and think about how far God has taken us! I think about our journey since October 2011. Back then, is this what I thought life would be like? No. But honestly, it is EVEN BETTER. I would not trade ONE BIT of this process for anything. Even the difficult questions and assumptions. To answer those questions listed above:#1 – God is not calling us to give up our born children. We can’t answer that because we do not have born children. It’s an irrelevant question.
#2 – We can’t answer the second question because that is not the situation God has us in. We would not know about embryo adoption if we had children of our own. If we did know about it, we wouldn’t feel the hurt for those who can’t conceive as deeply as we do. So it’s just a question we can’t answer.
#3 – If we used them all up, we know that it would be extremely difficult to go through the process again. Again, it’s not a question we can answer right now because we aren’t there. So it’s a scenario that at this point, is not applicable.
It is difficult answering the “what ifs.” These are just a sampling of the questions we have been asked. We have been given scenarios left and right and different scenarios are difficult to answer because they often are not about the situation we are currently in today. We would LOVE to have all the answers to the questions that people have, but we just can’t answer them.
We can’t answer them because we aren’t God. This whole process has been a complete walk of faith. If we knew all of the answers, there would be no NEED for faith in God. Trust us, we wish we had all the answers in our human minds. But when it comes to our relationship with God, we are SO thankful we don’t have all the answers because it is so comforting to know that we can LEAN on our God who will never let go of us. To be able to lean on someone, causes us to trust Him more and more with the difficult situations in life and it’s a whole lot easier going to God than trying to live up to the standards of man. Faith is SUCH a BEAUTIFUL thing!
Through this whole process, we have grown a love for God that we never want to let go of, we have realized how BEAUTIFUL God is – His characteristics and how He works – and, we have realized how little we are and how much we need God.
This process is WAY better than what I ever imagined. Even through the difficult decisions. We have a new appreciation for God’s gift of FAITH.
And the story will continue…