Bargaining With An Unchangeable God

The Sterks were out on a family bike ride when it hit me that I am doing this. I am going on a bike ride with my family. Six months ago, I probably wouldn’t have been able to.

While on this ride, I was watching Mazy and Dan pedal ahead of me and I found myself wishing that all we bear here on this earth, would just disappear. I thought, “Maybe if I had a little more faith, God wouldn’t allow my cancer to come back.” Or…”Maybe if I was a better…, we wouldn’t have all of these medical issues.” I was bargaining with God. And guess what Kristin, you’re bargaining with a sovereign God that doesn’t change.

And THAT right there, stopped me in my mental spiral and a peace came upon me that was only from God. From a GOD THAT DOESN’T CHANGE. I am still worshipping the same God who has sustained me through heart failure for how many years. I am sustained by the same unchanging God who brought me through leukemia. And if it’s his will that I fight again, this same unchanging God, will use it to bring glory to himself and draw us nearer to him.

I received that final test result and it showed that I am at a high risk of my acute myeloid leukemia coming back. Hard news to hear. My oncologist reminded me that the AML road is like a roller coaster and I sometimes forget about that part of it. I thought that once I was done with treatments, that I was just DONE. Well, at least that was our hope, but it’s not been the case. Now, I do NOT currently have cancer, but there are abnormal cells that could easily turn into cancer. And probably the most difficult part is, there is NOTHING I can do to stop it. As my oncologist assured me there is no specific diet, no change in lifestyle, no supplement, that can stop it. We just have to wait. And as she said, this is THE hardest part. To just sit and wait to see what happens.

And folks, I don’t like waiting. When I had the chance to go home for one night before starting cancer treatments back in September, I knew I wasn’t going to go back, and I said, wheel me up to the cancer floor and let’s just get started. Waiting is not my forte. Oh the lessons God continues to teach me.

I will now go to U of M more frequently for intricate blood tests and meet with my oncologists, to ensure that if my AML does come back, that we can catch it early and start on chemo right away. I honestly can’t even bear the thought. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about having to do it all over again. There are a few options for treatment, some more low key, some more intense, and it overwhelms to even think about having to make these decisions. But we just wait.

So often I want this care-free, problem-free life here on this earth. I tell myself that it’s somehow what we deserve. Oh Kristin. But we are not here on this earth to live a life of ease and comfortability. We are here to glorify him through what he allows in our lives and to live our lives for God and God alone. So those times when I want to bargain with God and tell him, “God, If I do ‘this’, then maybe…” well, that is not what he desires. He just wants me. Our unchangeable God has orchestrated perfectly, what he wants our lives to look like and what he wants our lives to do. And I don’t want to miss my moment. Miss my opportunity just because I think life should go a different way. All I need to do is be still and know that he is God, and entrust my life in his hands. And he will take care of the rest, to ensure I can do just that.

This journey is long and wearisome at times. It feels like one thing after another, where we just can’t catch a break. Or if we do, it is always short-lived. But that is NOT why we are here. I can easily lose focus and when I do, I get flustered and bargain with an unchangeable God. Not my best faith moment. But when I entrust my life and my circumstances to an unchangeable God whose love never ends, I am in the best hands possible, no matter what the outcome.