Because We Know He Can

Our faith is being put to the test yet again, as we see a storm brewing on the horizon as Dan says, waiting for it to arrive.

Today we received a call from my oncologist that my leukemia will most likely come back, it’s just a matter of when. The number of abnormal cells I have are increasing rapidly, which is the first sign of a relapse. This is far sooner than they ever expected. I might even have a few leukemia cells, they just aren’t showing up in my blood tests quite yet. But considering my last blood test, it is not looking good. So much so, that we are being proactive and are already getting a plan of treatment set in place.

For someone who doesn’t have heart failure, a bone marrow transplant would be ideal, but because of my heart failure, my oncologist believes I won’t qualify due to the risk of infection. Yet because I have had numerous procedures and have gotten through them okay (relatively speaking), there’s a chance they might accept me. I was told to plan on a “no”, but we want to rule it out.

So, what’s the next option? We are incredibly grateful that there is a team of oncologists who are taking care of me and they all unanimously agreed that it would be best to put me on a low-dose chemo IV treatment and pill, which has proven to be highly effective for those on it. The difficult part is that I will have to be on it the rest of my life. I will need to go in for initial treatments to kill off the leukemia, and then go in every day for a week, every 6-8 weeks, for the rest of my life. There is a chance that if I respond well, that the number of treatments could lessen, and the dosage as well, but so far, this is what’s standard. But the beauty is that I can have all of this done locally! For that, we are incredibly grateful.

In February, when I completed my last treatment, we knew it was the best case scenario. My blood counts couldn’t have looked better. Then in June, I started to have abnormal cells show up on my blood test. And they are only increasing. Never would we have imagined being in the position we are, AGAIN. We feel the waiting and wondering has stolen some joy out of this summer, as we sit and wait to be told it’s officially back.

But you know what? I believe in a God who displaces fear and fills it with his tender love and mercy. I believe in a God who isn’t a joy stealer, but a joy GIVER. I believe in a God who knows our every step and knew since the beginning of time, that we would be where we are today. And most of all, I believe in a God who does MIRACLES. After we hung up the phone, we prayed for a miracle. Right next to us, sat a miracle – our daughter. We know and believe that he can DO IT AGAIN. We need the family of God to storm the gates of heaven, believing with us, that He will keep my numbers stable, but even more so, rip those abnormal cells out of my body for good. So much so, that my numbers would be zero. The thing is, there would be no other explanation if they were zero, except God. There is no medical way that they will get lower without treatment. So we are fully dependent on God to heal.

I don’t know if those who care for me at Michigan are believers. Through tears today, I told Dan that I just so deeply want my oncology team to believe in THE God, THE Way, THE Truth, THE Life. I told Mazy and Dan that we all know where we are going and that we get to hang out in heaven forever. I don’t know about my team. Anytime I bring up my faith, it is met with minimal response. I am praying for their souls. And if God can use us and our situation to draw others to himself, to bring them to salvation, what more could we ask for? For in the end, salvation in Him is what brings life. True, never-ending, everlasting, eternal life.

Do I currently have cancer? Maybe a few cells, but they aren’t showing up yet. But we are talking like it’s going to come back and preparing for that day. Our hearts are heavy and we can’t help but wonder, how much more, God? What is your good, pleasing, and perfect will in all of this? To be honest, we are feeling a bit picked on…the jabs just keep coming. We believe though, that the same God who allowed this to happen, is the same God who can also heal. And we are humbled that there are treatment options that are effective, and that I can have them done locally.

In a month, I go back to U of M for more blood tests, to determine if the cancer is officially back. And so right now, we just pray for that miracle. BECAUSE WE KNOW HE CAN.

We pray for peace to replace our fears. We pray for joy for each day despite the brokenness we feel inside. We pray ultimately for God’s will to be done.