Confessions Of A Not-So-Perfect Parent

Parenting is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

I would like to say that I didn’t have expectations when it came to giving birth, parenting, and raising a child, but that would be a complete lie. I would love to say that I accepted the challenges with complete okay-ness, but that also would be a complete lie.

After 4 1/2 months of being a parent, I have come to realize that it is easy to portray a certain way of parenting. To portray our life a certain way. To portray a perfect life. A perfect parenting life.

But I want to tell you that I am a not-so-perfect parent. And in admitting that, it is the first step to recovering from trying to be one.

And I hope this blog post helps others feel the same way. That it’s okay to admit your not-so-perfectness. That it’s okay to not be Mrs. Perfect Mom. That you too, are not alone.

I want to first say, that I feel like I am the most blessed person. I truly mean that. The grace that God continually shows me, just knocks my socks off everyday. You see, medically I was told that it would not be wise to have a child of our own because of the fear of heart failure and death. Risks we were not willing to take. Then God had this crazy idea to heal my heart enough so that I COULD carry a child! That still amazes me! So at the ripe ole age of 31, I gave birth to our daughter, Mazy Grace. It was one of the best days of my life – the gift of giving birth is a gift I never thought I would have the privilege of experiencing. And here we are, with our beautiful daughter in our arms!

You see, the beauty of our life is that it has been so far from anything we expected, but those unexpected times and events have been the best things that could have happened to us. Those challenges, like I mentioned earlier, were not always easy.

This is where my Not-So-Perfect Parent life comes in. There are some things I want to confess.

Confession #1 – My desire to be a “young” parent. I grieved heavily, the loss of not being able to have a child of my own. I doubted God. I was angry and I was upset. The yearly heart checkup, was a only a reminder of what I couldn’t have. I dreaded each one, yet still had this inkling of hope, that “just maybe…” God had many other things in store for us in the meantime. That is why He waited until I was 31 to make it possible! I thought I wanted to be a “young” parent. But boy did God have a different idea, and boy was it a good one! The growth and opportunities we have had until now, are immeasurable.

Confession #2 – Thinking that since delivery day went well, so would the next few months. My pregnancy went extremely well. I almost feel guilty saying that because I know many experience quite the contrary. So I say that almost sheepishly. Delivery day, well, that couldn’t have gone any better! After Mazy was born, one of the first things the doctor said was “she sure has a set of lungs on her!” At the time, I didn’t think anything of it, but as the hours and days went on, I realized what he meant. Little did we know, that arriving home from the hospital was anything but perfect. You see, we see our little Mazy Grace as such a miracle. It would only seem right that after giving birth, that it would still be this fairy-tale story, right? Well, that is where I failed to accept the fact that it is in trials that perseverance, character, and hope are developed. I still needed some tweaking on those things (and still do).

The day we arrived home from the hospital, I started to not feel well. I was extremely fatigued and had trouble breathing. After a few doctor appointments, it was determined that I was experiencing heart failure. Two of my valves were not working and my heart was becoming enlarged. All due to fluid retention. The doctor did all he could to keep me out of the hospital, but let me tell you, I had no idea how hard it would be to care for a newborn, while experiencing heart failure, but also recovering from giving birth. Thanks to family and friends, who helped me get through it! Those were some of the most difficult days of my life.

Confession #3 – I thought that my days would be filled with cuddling with Mazy and living this blissful newborn-stage life with her. There were days when she would be crying 8 hours a day. I wish I was exaggerating, but I am not. Mazy was a crier and we did not know why. Her cries were not a typical cry – she was clearly in pain. It took me far too long to realize that she was not receiving a enough milk (more on that in the next confession) and that she also had acid reflux. The combination of the two was very difficult. Not to mention, I’ve been told she is colicky, but I am not so sure how easily that is diagnosed. Regardless, those first few months were so incredibly hard. Yes, I cried almost everyday. I was at a loss. I look back at those days, not feeling sorry for myself, but realizing that I had a lot of persevering to do – which was one of the best things that could have happened to me. Yet the most beautiful thing? I don’t even remember some of the most difficult days. God has left the most beautiful memories of me cuddling with Mazy Grace – how perfect is that? Thank you, God!

Confession #4 – Breastfeeding is not easy. I had this crazy idea that breastfeeding was going to go perfect. That I would do it for 6 months at least, and then reevaluate. Mazy latched on immediately and it couldn’t have gone any better in the hospital, accept for the occasional soreness. Then it all fell apart. Mazy would just scream when trying to feed, but once she did, she would feed for an hour. I thought that was normal, but let me tell you, that is not normal, when they feed every 2-3 hours and you spend 1 of those hours feeding. Your child should not be crying when trying to latch on. Your child should not scream during the feeding (now realizing that was her reflux and the lack of getting milk, poor girl!). By week 5, I had to do something different. I was in tears everyday. It just wasn’t working and Mazy was so unhappy. My sister finally told me that it’s okay to quit, that it just doesn’t work for everyone. Those words were liquid gold. I quit the next day.

For those who struggle, it’s okay to quit. Let me say it again. IT’S OKAY TO QUIT. I wish I would’ve quite earlier. I thought that since God created our bodies to feed a baby, that mine should too. But what I failed to see, is that something so perfect, is also tainted with the brokenness of this world. My diuretic, I HAD to take to keep me healthy, but it also dried up my milk supply. I tried pumping, but I pumped anywhere from 2-6 ounces, with no consistency, so I didn’t have enough to give little Mazy. I felt incredible guilt in quitting, but it was my own pride that got in the way. Can anyone else relate? Quitting was the best choice and healthiest choice, for both Mazy and I.

Confession #5 – Books can make you feel guilty. Mazy has yet to sleep through the night. I had it in my head that by 12 weeks, I would be getting a full night’s rest. Why did I have those expectations? I would read Babywise, and wonder why Mazy wasn’t sleeping through the night? I was doing everything it said to do! Dan finally told me to stop trying to be like the books because every child is different. Mazy did not have what I would consider a “normal” start to life, considering my feeding and health issues, and her reflux. Books only made me feel guilty and reminded me daily of the mother I was not. But that mother was not the mother Mazy needed. Mazy needed a mother who would feed her when she was hungry, even if the book said she shouldn’t be. Mazy is now 4 1/2 months old and still wakes up once or twice to eat at night, and can eat a full bottle each time. She is a growing girl, and what more could I ask for? And as for sleep? Okay, sleeping through the night does sound appealing (another confession). But holding my baby girl as she peacefully eats, is a beautiful thing and one day won’t need anymore!

Confession #6 – I am a Pinterest lover, but it can also make me someone I don’t want to be. Pinterest is a lot of fun as a new mom. There are ideas that of course, I would never think of! I have pinned and pinned clothing and organizing ideas, meals, etc. Yet one thing I am realizing, I can’t afford those clothes (and I am JUST fine with that!). I don’t have the space to organize like they do in the picture. I don’t have the time to make a gourmet meal. And you know what? Truth be told, I would much rather spend time with Mazy, than spend time doing all those things. So I am telling you, be careful. Make sure you don’t give yourself unrealistic expectations!

Confession #7 – I am not perfect. And I never will be. That is something I need to keep telling myself, daily. And that is something you need to tell yourself daily, too. There is always going to be someone who you think is doing a “better” job (like in the magazines). But what I fail to realize, is that they are not raising my child. I have the gift and privilege of raising Mazy Grace. Mazy is unique in her own way and she always will be! So I am going to parent her uniquely and try my best. It won’t be perfect, but boy am I going to love that girl and that girl is going to know it!

Confession #8 – It’s not always easy being honest. God has given us such a beautiful story. But beauty doesn’t always mean perfect. The most beautiful thing is what we have learned through the hard times. The times in our life when we have been succumbed to tears, on our knees, are the times when God has felt so close. But if we are truly honest with ourselves, we know that God is sanctifying us, even in parenting. In being honest that it isn’t always easy, opens the door to talk with other parents who the majority of the time, feel the same way.

My confessions. I hope that you realize after reading this, that I do not have it all together. I really don’t. I am far from perfect. Yet I am so thankful for the grace that God gives me everyday. Because of His grace, I can live a beautiful life. A life that now consists of the glorious privilege of raising a child. Our own Mazy Grace.