When God Makes You Take A Step Back

God has taught me more in the past 5 months of my life – I sometimes wonder who that person was, 5 months ago! Since finding out about my heart healing in May 2014, I was running on high speed, with an extra pep in my step (literally), knowing my heart was functioning how it was supposed to.

We even had a child in the meantime! I mean, it’s not like that is something that happens to each person, everyday. Seriously. Giving birth to me, is still such a miracle! A child grows inside you for 9 months, then BAM. They come out and breathe. Tell me how that is not a miracle?

Then the reality of my heart issues hit full swing. God had me take a few steps back over the past few months. To be honest, I didn’t always know what was wrong. I didn’t feel I was depressed, but there was just this one thing, that I couldn’t put my finger on, that was bothering me.

Unfortunately, my husband got the best (or worst) of it. Okay, we had a bit of adjusting to do after Mazy was born. We had to figure out our roles, expectations, and make sure that we were taking care of ourselves too. To those whose marriages are perfect after having a child, kudos to you! I know I sure had a lot to learn!

But back to that one issue.

Over a month ago, Dan and I had a deep discussion, I broke down in tears. God made it clear to me why I was struggling so. You see, every time I had to take a diuretic pill, I could’ve cried (and often did). It reminded me of what my heart was not doing. My body was retaining fluid and not passing it, which meant fluid was building up around my heart. And to be quite honest, I was scared. I was remembering all too well, those few days after giving birth to Mazy. I didn’t ever want to feel that way again, and taking that pill, reminded me of what my health was not.

Even more so, I became more worried. I finally admitted to Dan, that I was afraid that my heart failure was going to take my life. Here I sat as a wife and now a mother, and the last thing I wanted was to see my heart fail. Before I got pregnant, the talk of heart failure meant also the risk of dying from it. That became a reality to me. A reality that broke me. Was I afraid of dying? Well, not in a sense of wondering where I would spend eternity, but I didn’t want to leave behind my husband and daughter. Death became more of a reality for me that I had to vocalize. And once I did, I was much healthier. Dan and I sat, cried, and prayed together over the fear I had.

God had us take a step back that day.

Yet it was the best step back in a long time. It allowed us to move forward. It allowed us to break down and just pray. Pray that God, who is the keeper of life, would continue to sustain my heart. No, my heart is not to the point of complete failure – NOT ONE IOTA. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea – I really am okay! Just parts of my heart aren’t working correctly. The beauty of it is, is that it can be fixed! So why live in fear? Plus, I’ve got the greatest healer of all, on my side. Whether or not He chooses to heal my heart yet again, is up to Him. Though whatever He chooses to do, it is perfect.

Which speaking of, here is a more detailed version of where I am at health-wise: I do have to take my diuretic pill once or twice a week, and each time I pass quite a bit of fluid. I gauge it by how much weight I gain and by my ankles and hands (where I can see fluid building up). The day I take the pill, I feel very tired and sometimes almost lethargic because I pass a decent amount of fluid, but the next day I feel great! I have been able to exercise, like go on walks, but I have most recently tried jogging again. I do get tired if I go too far, but I know my body well enough when it’s time to start walking. I just know exercise is so incredibly important, so I try to take that seriously. In October I go in for a heart checkup, to determine a plan of attack. The reason my appointment isn’t until October is because it could take at least 6 months for my heart to show any sign of healing, without all of the fluid there. It took a bit for it to malfunction, so it could take just as long for it to recover. Our hope is that in October, that there are some signs of healing, but we will have to wait and see. The heart issues I have are fixable with an open heart surgery. Some wonder why I don’t just have the surgery done, but there is risk with open heart surgery too and the recovery time can be lengthy. So we are trying to prevent one as much as we can! And we believe that God can yet again, heal my heart!

I have just been more and more convicted lately, to be completely honest. I felt that this was something I wanted to share (even though it was a fear I had well over a month ago) because this is all part of our faith journey – the joyous times and the tough times. God sees us through them all. And in being honest, I hope that allows others to be honest with their struggles as well. We are on this faith journey together and there is no shame in struggles! God already knows them before we can vocalize them! Let that be your comfort!