Full Hearts

Our hearts are SO FULL.

One of the best weeks EVER.

This week has been filled with so much joy. I told Dan last night as once again, I couldn’t fall asleep, that my heart is just so full. Yesterday, I was driving to town and I said to myself “alright, lets go babester”! Laugh all you want (because it’s weird, I know), but to be able to carry someone else within me, everywhere I go, is a feeling that I never imagined having. To think that there is a little baby growing inside, my body changing and working to provide the right “home” for this little one, I count as such a gift and privilege.

For THIS day, we prayed. For THIS day, so MANY have prayed.

On Wednesday, it hit me. I think my excitement the first 2 days just overwhelmed me. Then I had a moment to truly process what God had done in our lives. What God had done in my body. How God healed my heart enough so that I could carry. To even go as far as to knit together another human in my womb. I threw my hands up in the air, as tears streamed down my face, in thankfulness to God. For almost 10 minutes, the tears just fell. I feel so incredibly undeserving of this beautiful and miraculous gift. How He would choose now, as the perfect time to make this possible. How He saw this week as the week to yet again, change our life.

This is why we serve Him. Not only for the “good” (in human terms) things that He does. But also for the struggles He has brought us through. This week would not be as meaningful, memorable, and as miraculous, if we did not go through what we did. If I didn’t have a heart problem. If I didn’t wait for 14 years to hear the words “I see no problem with getting pregnant.” To go through the gestational carrier process and become parents for the first time. Realizing that half of our family is in Heaven, but that they are now getting a brother or sister! We couldn’t be more humbled or thankful for the struggles.

It wasn’t until we went through loss, that we realized really what a miracle a child is. Holding my niece shortly after we lost our babies, was difficult, but we couldn’t help but celebrate a miracle. Life. Is. So. Precious. When I was told that I wouldn’t be able to carry for sure in 2010, I was angry. I was disappointed in God. Why would He not want this for US? Seeing children brought pain. But it was in my own brokenness, that God had to work in, to change my heart. It took losing two, to change my heart. Life. Is. Precious.

That is why we choose to tell. To tell of God’s goodness. To tell of God’s mighty hand. We chose to tell of loss and so we also choose to tell of life.

Psalm 100:5 says – For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.”

God is faithful to not only Dan and I’s life/generation, but also our baby’s. He will be faithful to our little one. And He WILL be faithful to us – His faithfulness is never-failing. It is MY faith that fails. That fails to trust. That fails to believe that God CAN do the impossible. Will He always do what we ask? No, because it’s not for our eternal good. We long to meet our first two, but this week would not be what it is, if we had not lost. We would not have the relationship we have with our Creator Father, if it wasn’t for HIS will, and not ours.

The Lord IS good! He even works FOR THE GOOD of those who love him…

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

I recently told someone that I knew in my head that this verse was true. But in my heart, I didn’t believe it. My trust was a roller coaster – if good things happened, then yes, God works for the good. But that is not how God works. Seeing our journey, it is evident over and over again, that God works for the GOOD. But good means earthly struggles as well. It is hard to understand, but that is why God says in Proverbs 3:5 to…

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding


Trusting God with ALL of my heart is not easy. I fail daily. I tried over and over to understand why God allowed what He did in our life. The pain. The struggles. The loss. The yearly appointments of telling me all of the risks if I got pregnant and how it could potentially take my life. But leaning on my own understanding only LIMITS God. It says that I know better and that I know why He acts in certain ways. It only degrades Him to humanity and fails to lift Him up as THE all-knowing and sovereign GOD.

I wish I knew then, what I know now. But Dan and I both know that God hid our eyes from these miraculous events so that we would run to Him. To run full-force into His loving arms, as we had nothing left, but tears. To physically lose so much, to only gain a deeper relationship with Him. Something eternal. Something everlasting.

That is why our hearts are full. God had to empty our hearts of human desires so that He could fill them up with more of Himself. And we pray that God would only continue this process, no matter what the outcome is. We want to experience His steadfast love to the fullest and that only starts by trusting in HIM

WITH ALL OUR HEART!