I Guess We Don’t Know

“I guess we don’t know.”

I was texting with a friend after my ablation and told her that this is what my doctor/surgeon said after the procedure, meaning, I guess we just don’t know what’s going to happen next. She suggested I use it as a blog post title and I took her up on that! He was the one who stopped the 4th ablation due to my low white blood cell count 2 years ago and wanted my blood rechecked. Hours later I was diagnosed with leukemia. If he didn’t stop and have it rechecked, who knows what would have happened. Cancer treatment, a relapse, a heart healing, a BMT, and now heart issues again. It’s been a road, folks. But like my doctor vaguely said, “We have confidence in the one above.” I’m chalking it up to God!

Majority of the time I have no idea where people are in their faith when I go to the hospital. But really, we could ALL claim that statement – we all really don’t know. So does that stop us from talking about God? Or spur us on?

During my stay in Ann Arbor for my heart ablation, God gave me many opportunities to share what he had done in my life since they last saw me. Some faces were familiar and as they read my history, eyes widened, and wondered how? It was only God. Even the check-in lady remembered us from 4 years ago, and even remembered we had a kid!

I gotta tell ya, I had a grand ole time in the pre-op room and operating room with the doctors, nurses, and anesthesiologists, exchanging jokes, giggling at little mishaps, while trying to make the most of every opportunity. Many knew this wasn’t my first, but after I told them this was the 5th time, with cancer in between, at 41 years old, they stood just as dumbfounded as I can feel at times myself. Right before I went under, my nurse said, “I love you Kristin” and I repeated back, “I love you too, Brenda!” These people become your people.

All that to say, I guess we just don’t know what’s next. The ablation was partially successful, in the sense that they were able to ablate some spots. They left me for an hour, and no PVCs showed up, so they pulled the catheters, and wouldn’t you know, more showed up. Oh well! I am having fewer extra beats than before, so what’s next? We will wait and see. They could go back in again, or put me on another medication.

As Dan said, it’s kinda like Paul, when he was given a “thorn in the flesh”. Something always there. Something always to remind him that he needed God. That is where we stand too. We know that God can heal my heart because he has in the past! And we know he keeps it in a place where it needs tending to. We know he can allow cancer and heal it! And then allow it again, and then heal it! I guess we just don’t know.

As much as my flesh just wants to be healthy, we also know God’s ways are so much bigger than ours. To be able to share his story with the nurses and doctors the past few days, put me in awe of him too, realizing what he has all allowed, but also what he has done.

We serve a God who knows EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of our lives. Every minute. Every hour. Every beat of our hearts. HE is in control of my heart beats. As much as I want to gain control of them and make them normal, I can’t. We won’t always know why he allows what he does, but all I know is that it is painting this picture of our magnificent God who is above it all, and wowzas, what a mighty God we serve!

And this is the same God working in YOUR life too. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. So thankful we don’t have to figure it out on our own and that we can have peace and faith when we say, “I guess we just don’t know.” All glory to him!