In This New Year…

You probably knew a post like this was coming…

A post about the new year.

I have learned in my 32 years of living to not set these crazy lofty goals because I am bound to disappoint myself and then have to deal with the guilt in December. Every year. Whether it be realizing I didn’t read as many books as I wanted to, didn’t lose the 5 lbs. I said I would, or didn’t do who knows what. You fill in the blanks.

When Dan and I were driving home from Michigan, I asked Dan what he was hoping for in the new year. When Dan reversed the question, the two things I found myself saying were “being more patient” and “finding myself again”.

Something happened after I had Mazy. I thought that after having our wildest dream come true, that I would live happily ever after. God had very different plans. That “happy” was not always there. Call it postpartum blues or the raging hormones, but I found myself not knowing who I was. After significant life events, I have learned that that is a common feeling – not knowing who you are. After we moved to Minnesota, I found myself searching for more. Here we landed in a wonderful new community, in a new state, and I felt a little lost. Lost with who I was supposed to be. Here I had a fresh start, but our past had really challenged my character and even more so, my faith.

I felt a bit of that after I had our daughter – a challenge in character and faith. I thought in a way, God was “done” with me. He had a different idea.

He knew that in order to work His ways in my life, that Mazy would need to be born, for me to get what I had to learn. I always considered myself a fairly patient person. I can have a sense of the urgency mentality at times (I am the furthest from a procrastinator), but I can usually handle things with some patience. Mazy’s colicky stage really challenged me in that. I was doing great up until about month 4. Thankfully that was when it started to subside, but I found myself losing patience very quickly. At the most random of things. Mostly with Dan though (bless his dear heart!) Thankfully God has shown that to me and now being aware of my patience issues, I can now change. So that is one thing I want to work on this year.

Second.

Finding myself again. Believe it or not, after having Mazy, I lost myself in a way. I found the new role of motherhood to be the most beautiful thing. The joys of holding and rocking my daughter overwhelmed me with joy to the point of tears. I put my all into her. I put all my love into her. And that was the problem. I was putting all of my love and who I was into her, and not into God or my husband, or anything else. And that, was a recipe for disaster. I knew I had to stop blogging at my organizing website and streamline it all into one blog, but I even found that hard to do. I was losing interest in doing one of the things I loved the most – blogging. The thought of sitting and doing devotions for even 15 minutes, felt like a guilt trip. There wasn’t this ongoing desire to grow.

Then I went on a retreat. The facilitator prayed over me that I would return to the faith I once had. That the physical scars I wear each day, would be a representation of where I have been, but also be a spurring on for the future. That I would use them to tell my story. The thing is, she had no idea what my past was. It was God’s prophetic way of speaking through her, to me. It was one of those “God moments” that you read about in books, that happened in real life. From that moment on, I realized that I was not who I used to be.

I wanted to be the wife that Dan deserved. I wanted to be the mom that Mazy deserved. I want to be the daughter of my King, that He deserved. And that is why I am seeking to find myself again – find the person GOD created me to be. Not just a mom. Not just a wife. But a DAUGHTER of the KING.

What does that look like? Well, it starts with God of course. Asking Him to show me how to be the person He wants me to be. Also, I think it means being honest with myself. That I clearly do not have it all together. That each day is filled with the grace of God and without it, I would be floundering. Being okay with the fact that I do need God and that I don’t need to do life on my own. More than anything, that is how God has used Mazy in my life – that I can’t do it without God.

So here’s to a year of continuing to search for the person God has designed me to be. It is an exciting journey. God has already reminded me and has shown me little things that I need to continue to work on, but also little things to take joy in, that I didn’t take joy in, in the past.

It’s a beautiful journey. A journey that takes patience and a journey that is never ending, until we meet our Savior face to face.

So I have to ask, what are you hoping for in the new year? I always loved to hear what people are excited about or are anticipating to change because God has us ALL on different journeys.