Moving Forward In Grief
Over the past few months, I have learned more about grief than I have ever cared to know, but in the deepest part of my heart, I am thankful for all that God is teaching me. I have tried to be open about our journey and though I hesitate talking about grief because everyone grieves so differently, I thought I would still share part of that journey with you. For me, writing things out is a way I deal with something. I may not always be able to put my thoughts into voiced words, but typing them out is a healing process for me as well. So here are a few more of my thoughts on grief.
Moving on can be hard. I used to think that moving on meant I am “okay” with what has happened in the past. That I am “okay” with our babies dying. Rest assured that is not it at all. Moving on to me means choosing to believe that God is in control and that He has us under His wing – even though troubles may come. Sometimes I felt guilty laughing or not crying when one normally would. I know those are all normal feelings to have (especially the guilt), but I am no longer feeling guilty over laughing or having fun. Sometimes I used to think if I was moving on, I would be forgetting about them and again, being “okay” with them being gone. I will never forget about them, but we both are learning what life is like to not have them here. We need to. It’s so hard to say that, but God took them home with Him for a reason – we have to believe that and we truly do believe that. We believe God has a grander purpose in all of this that He has just not opened our eyes to yet. It’s so hard to accept that sometimes, but God is so much bigger and His plans are so much larger than what we can comprehend, and that is comforting.
When our babies died, I felt it wasn’t just our babies that we lost. It was everything that surrounded our babies as well. Of course our babies were the biggest part of it. Our thoughts of them growing were lost. Our hopes of our own children were lost. Our dreams of raising them were lost. Not only that, all the planning that surrounded them was lost. What seemed at the time never-ending appointments were lost. It was just so much. For almost a year we had been planning and planning for the process. It was a lot to say goodbye to. I guess I say all that to say “you don’t only lose the physical presence of someone, you lose so much more.”
Another thing I have learned is that there are so many emotions to sift through. Thankfully I think Dan and I are pretty far in that process! With that said, I still think there are various emotions that still come up and we aren’t always prepared for them. It might be something as simple as seeing something in the store that reminds us of them. There are just so many emotions that come with loss. That is why I think our getaway up north was so healthy for us – we didn’t even know where to begin to deal with all the loss that happened so quickly. But we quickly learned that we have to keep moving forward. Taking each day at a time and not downplaying the emotions that pop up. I think it is easy to say “I’ll deal with that later,” but I know that if we don’t deal with those emotions now, they WILL creep up later. So, that is something we have really tried to do.
Why is grief so hard? I think grief reflects love – the love you have for someone. We live in a world where there is much violence, devastation, and sadness. Some things don’t break our heart the way losing someone close to you does – it’s because there is that relationship and factor of love in there. Even though we never “met” our babies, we loved them. It’s hard to let go of something or someone you love. I think about God having to give up His SON, for us. What a reflection of LOVE! God loves US, with such depth and it grieves Him if we choose someone or something other than Him. It is so hard to say goodbye to someone you love – I still struggle with that sometimes. Through grandparents passing away, my cousin, our babies. Feelings of missing them can come up at anytime. It’s because that aspect of love is there. Never downplay the love you have for someone. Even if they have passed, that love is still there and always will be.
Just a few more thoughts on grief! I know God has us go through situations in life for a reason – I am excited to where all of this will lead someday. Until then, we rest in the peace knowing God has us right where He wants us!