Nothing Can Triumph Over My God

Since finding out that it’s not an “if”, but a “when” my leukemia comes back, it has really challenged our family spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. I wake up every day, wondering if my legs are bruising and if I am getting the token red dots. A year ago, this is how it all started. Though we had no clue that those symptoms were from my leukemia, but was simply worsening heart failure symptoms, it was a sure sign that leukemia was growing inside my body.

And yet here I sit, no bruising, no red dots, no symptoms. I gotta tell ya, if those abnormal cells were multiplying by the rate they were between June and July, it seems as if I would be battling the symptoms. And maybe I am and just don’t know it. But. BUT. I’m here to tell you, I am not sure I have leukemia.

You see, we’ve been praying for this miracle. A miracle that would just blow us and the doctors away. A miracle that would keep this leukemia at bay, even though my blood tests are pointing directly to the leukemia coming back. And maybe it’s in there, but I wake up every morning, look at myself in the mirror, and tell myself I’m going to live like I don’t have cancer. I can only do so much and I’ve gotta just let it go.

I’ve been learning over this past month, that there is beauty in letting go. In rejoicing, no matter what lies ahead. To not be anxious. To think about whatever is true. Praiseworthy. Lovely. All the things. And there is a peace we feel, that is unexplainable.

I have the tendency to quick google leukemia, look at the symptoms, and wonder, “do I feel any of those?” It’s a constant battle of the mind. I can read about the specific type I have, what I can do to prevent it, survival rates, oh is it a slippery slope. But what those stats don’t show is what the powerful hand of our God can do.

I can exhaust myself and try to learn as much as I can about leukemia. I can try to “outlearn” it and try to beat it with knowledge. I can try to learn every little detail, in hopes that if I know everything, I won’t get it. Oh how the enemy works. That’s why we have to take EVERY thought captive and make it obedient to Christ:

2 Corinthians 10:5 says, “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

EVERY THOUGHT. I can try to out-do this cancer. I can run myself ragged. But this is not the life God is calling me to. Not one of fear of the future. Not one of worry about what’s next. He wants us to live a life of freedom in him TODAY. With a peace knowing that he’s got every situation in his hands, TODAY. And we have every reason to rejoice and give thanks, TODAY. Knowing he is FOR us, and not against us. Cancer and heart failure seem to be against me, but those are piddly little things of this world. NOTHING can triumph over my God.

And so we wait. We continue to take life a day at a time. We continue to pray for a miracle. And just maybe, God is performing the miracle we have been praying for. And if he chooses a different route and sees that his glory will be made more fully known through cancer, we know he is STILL A GOOD GOD.

But today, we praise God for my health. What a gift that truly is, each day.