October 15 – Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I am sure you have seen all over social media (and now here) that it is a Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It seems odd that we only choose one day out of the year to remember those precious babies that were lost, but then it also seems odd that we only celebrate Christ’s birth one day a year. Yet that doesn’t mean that those events and lives are forgotten.

If you walk into our home, you may wonder why in the world I have a picture of two paper owls sitting next to all of our family pictures. Truth be told, they are actually part of our little family. You can read the full story behind this picture here, but on a day like today, this picture brings back so many memories and emotions.

Today I hugged Mazy a little tighter. Today I shed a few more tears over their loss. You see, these two little babies came into our life in a very unique way. For years I was told it would not be wise for me to bear children because of my heart condition. During those difficult times, God was calling our dear friend Brenda, as the answer to our struggles. God was calling her to be a gestational carrier for us.

Through a whirlwind of events (you can check out my posts starting in October 2011 – October 2012 to get a glimpse into what that journey looked like for us), we found out our dear friend was pregnant on September 5, 2012, with TWINS. There are no words to describe the feelings we had that day! We were going to be PARENTS and to TWINS!

Only 3 weeks later, we would learn that God took those two precious lives back to be with Him. We were shocked and devastated. The grief we felt ran so deep. We had planned and dreamed of those two little lives for almost a year, but in a split second, we learned that God had a different plan. A plan that was far greater than ours.

Over the past couple of years, we ALL found ourselves reaching for God in a different way. Crying out to God like never before. Realizing that we not only wanted God, but NEEDED God. The journey that God has brought both of our families on since then, will one day have to be written in a book.

A story that has had a chapter that we NEVER expected or even dreamed of. Since my open heart surgery when I was 17, in 2001, it was said that having children of my own might not be a possibility. God surely had a different idea.

On March 17, 2015, our little Mazy Grace was born. A miraculous heart healing led to the birth of our daughter.

The phrases “my grace is sufficient for you”… “lean not on your own understanding…” “my help comes from Lord…” “Rejoice always. Again, I say rejoice…” just keep replaying over and over in my head.

The journey God has us on is a wild one, but one that I would not change. Yes, my earthly flesh longs to hold those two little hooties, but if they were here, I would not have had Mazy. I would not be the person I am today. I would not have carried a child.

I was not the one carrying those two little hooties. It was Brenda. She was the one who experienced the physical pain of losing a child. Though it was a loss that for both of us, birthed a deep longing for God, that we never experienced before.

So today as I held Mazy, while looking at the picture above, tears streamed down my face. Tears so full of emotions, yet tears filled with so much joy. I held Mazy a little tighter. I laughed a little quicker at her goofiness. I gazed from afar a little longer, as she discovered something new about a toy. I let my tears stream because they were tears of thankfulness to God, for the gift of life.

The relationships I now have because of loss, are relationships that I hold so close to me. Relationships that span 1,000s of miles. And the relationship I have with Brenda, is like no other. I cannot find words to explain it – it is a connection that only God could create. Not to mention again, the journey God has had them on, since the loss, is one that one day, really just needs to be in a book.

So to those who have experienced the loss of a child, I think of you today. I pray for you. I thank God for you. Thank you for walking this journey with me, and I hope that in some way or another, I can walk that journey with you.