One Diagnosis Away
Two weeks ago, I walked through the doors of the Cardiovascular Center at U of M, anticipating my 4th ablation. All in attempts to correct an arrhythmia that just seemed to keep coming back, no matter what the doctors did. Little did I know that when I left our house that morning, it would be weeks before I’d enter back in.
When I have the mental capacity to do so, I look back on that week with confusion, yet gratitude. I wish I would’ve seen this coming. I wish I would’ve had some sort of an idea that I would be gone for an entire month – in the hospital. I wish I would’ve seen the diagnosis of leukemia coming. Maybe I would’ve been better prepared. But in reality, I’m thankful I didn’t know.
There is no preparing. Whether you have heart failure or not, or whether you have an empty medical folder sitting in the doctor’s office, we are ALL one diagnosis away from our lives being changed forever. Now I know that sounds completely morbid and not encouraging one iota, but as one who sits here with cancer, let me encourage you too.
Am I wondering when the next shoe is going to drop? Yep! Do I worry that something is going to happen to my family because it seems like there is just one more blow after another? Often. Do I wonder what my future holds as I now have severe heart failure AND leukemia? I try not to go there. These are natural and normal responses to crises, and yet I can’t stay there.
I was talking with my doctors today about what life after this month-long stay will look like. What if the chemo doesn’t work? What’s next? The biggest issue with me having leukemia is that I am not a candidate for a bone marrow transplant, due to my heart. So it’s either chemo, or, well, chemo. I started to feel this sense of panic come over me wondering, “What if it doesn’t work?” Like um, God? Hello? Did you hear what the doctor said?
He sure did. Since the beginning of time, when God designed me, he knew that because of the fallen world, I would have heart issues. He also knew that at 38, I would be diagnosed with leukemia. And guess what? He wasn’t surprised because HE’S the one who is in control. He’s the one who sets the course of time. God knew that a bone marrow transplant wouldn’t be an option. He knew that I would have heart failure at the same time and that it would put a different twist on things. He knew that in order for Him to get greater glory, this is how it was to be.
As I sat in my hospital recliner (don’t think laz-y-boy folks), as those waves of wonder swept me under, not two seconds later, did God fill my heart with those very words – that He is not surprised and now it’s my turn to just sit back and watch Him work. MUCH easier said than done, but the challenge to myself.
With heart failure, I feel like there are “things” I can do to help fend off the side effects and stay healthy. With leukemia? Not so much. It is a very helpless disease when it comes to trying to “cure” it yourself. You are at the mercy of the doctors, chemo, and of course, God. This cancer has taught me more about life and faith than I would’ve learned if I didn’t have it. I’m still working on being thankful IN all circumstances, but God is giving me ample reasons to be thankful – I just have to be willing to see them.
I don’t know what your future holds and you know what? You probably don’t either. But we don’t have to worry about! It’s already written. We can’t do anything to change it. We think we can, and that’s where our desire for control gets rooted. Even if tomorrow you were diagnosed with a disease you never saw coming, let me reassure you that it isn’t without purpose. It’s not without a plan. It’s not without God already seeing it as the perfect opportunity to display Himself in the situation. You just so happen to have a front row seat for it.
Romans 15:13 – May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
