Thanksgiving Through the Years

Blessed.

As we head into Thanksgiving, Dan and I were talking about really, how much we have to be thankful for! Dan and I have an opportunity to thank God for our children. We didn’t have that opportunity before. Though they are not with us, we can praise God that they are in heaven. It’s sometimes hard to think about not being thankful that they are still in Brenda’s womb, but truly, we have so much to rejoice in. We had babies. We still do not fully understand why God took them home after such a long journey, but what we do know, is that He continues to grow us through that experience.

As I was thinking about last year’s Thanksgiving time, I remember I blogged about the previous year’s (which would now be two years ago). This is what it said:

Written November 22, 2011 – A Different Kind Of Thanksgiving
Last year’s Thanksgiving was very different for us. We are in such a different
place in our life today! Here is what I wrote LAST year the day
after Thanksgiving:

I was blessed to have Dan with me for
Thanksgiving (though he is technically still deer hunting). We had some amazing
talks…and as hard as it is to be away from him sometimes, our conversations
when we were together yesterday were meaningful and very heartfelt. I told him I
am going to struggle with the holidays. And I realize I do. Yesterday was hard.
We are at the stage in our life where people just have kids. There is no getting
around that. So we come to family gatherings and that’s what the conversations
are about. That’s what they revolve around. Is that a problem? No, by all means
it is not. People talk about what is going on in their life’s stages and that’s
where they are all at. But for people who aren’t in that stage, it’s really
tough. We almost felt out of the loop just b/c we didn’t have anything to chime
in with – in fact we have quite the opposite. I almost find myself wanting to
shy away from it all b/c it still hurts. I had a hard time saying goodbye to Dan
last night b/c there was a lot of pain – tears that needed to fall. I didn’t
want to let go of the one “constant” in my
life.

While lying in bed last night I kept
thinking about family and the get togethers we had. I am so blessed to have
people just give me a hug – not having to really say much, but that they are
just praying for us. I can’t tell you HOW MUCH that means. To receive hugs last
night of just pure love and compassion, made my night. I wish I could say that
we have moved on, but we haven’t. It’s still at the complete forefront of our
life yet, so for people to continue to say they are praying, means more than I
can ever express. I am blessed to have immediate and extended family who care so
deeply. It’s been so nice to stay at my parents, leave some of the worries in
St. Joe, and just be up here with what is still very
familiar.

One more thing…Dan and I had a
little bit of a drive yesterday to just talk. One of the things that has been on
both of our hearts, is the thought of adoption. We don’t talk about it everyday,
just because we aren’t ready to, but also for this reason: we feel God taking
away the passion and desire to be parents. It hurts me incredibly to say that,
but that is the truth. We try to explain that to people, but it probably just
comes off as sounding selfish. But that is truly what we are feeling – maybe
it’s grief yet, maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s really God’s desire for us. I have
to wonder WHY. WHY? I don’t know. I wish I could give an answer and account for
it, but I can’t. Dan and I were both saying that we feel God leading us away
from that – and it hurts, but at the same time, there is a certain peace about
it too, b/c maybe that’s where God wants our hearts to be. So then, what is
instore for us? Only God knows b/c we sure
don’t!

This is a rather random post, but I feel
I needed to share some of those thoughts. Some of them are hard to understand
and you may think what? Really? Well, I don’t know the answers either, but I do
know that once again, God does. He knows and that is what we are holding on to.
Once again, God has written His OWN story for us, and we are realizing daily
that it is very different from what we first expected and from what the “normal”
is. We pray God continues to reveal that story to us…

Wow. The reason I reposted
this is because I think it just adds to the amazement at what God has done. This
was almost hard to read because it was easy to go back those feelings again – I
remember that time so vividly. And NOW. God is doing some INCREDIBLE things! To
read that last paragraph and think we had NO CLUE what He had in store for us!
Reading how hard it was for us to come to terms with not being parents – now we
understand why it was so hard! God maybe didn’t want us to completely give that
up! Who knows. Talk about all of this not being what the “normal” is! I have
learned to not label what God does as “normal” because what He does is
extraordinary – not normal. Yes He will always answer our prayers and we could
say that is normal – but when He answers, He can answer them so not “normal”!

This year’s Thanksgiving, we have such different feelings inside. To say
we weren’t thankful last year is not true. We were learning what it meant to be
thankful in ALL circumstances. Last year God taught us so much and we can’t
begin to put into words what God has done for us since then. It was hard to sing
some of those “Thanksgiving” songs because we both are just so overwhelmed –
it’s hard to sing those songs with out tears. We know this may not work – but
this Thanksgiving, we were thankful for another opportunity. God’s answers to
our prayers – for that we are thankful. For holding onto the faith that He has a
plan for us – for His plan, we are thankful. For the support He has shown us
through family and friends, for them ALL, we are truly thankful.

What an
amazing Thanksgiving it has been! We are still digesting what this Thanksgiving
means to us because it has been a celebration! A celebration of hope.

Wow. I honestly don’t know what else to say! I feel the bolded post of 2 years ago, is a great description of where we are right now – yet, we are so different. Our life’s circumstance is SO different and two years ago, we would’ve never DREAMED of being where we are today. Having gone through the gestational carrier process, having two babies, but them not surviving in the womb. Dan losing his job and still anticipating where God is going to call us next. Sometimes it all seems so surreal, but this is RIGHT where God wants us! He knows where we are at. Never once has He been surprised by ANY of this.

As we reflect on this week, there will probably be some emotions that come out, but truly, we are so blessed. So blessed to have gone through the experiences we have, which ultimately have drawn us closer to Him – I couldn’t be more thankful!

All praise and glory to Him!