When All You Can Do Is Obey

Since finding out that I will have a bone marrow transplant, Dan and I have adopted the motto, “One day at a time.” The morning after that 3 hour meeting with doctors, I sent a panicked text to Dan, wondering how in the world are we going to do this? Especially so soon after my last treatment. He reminded me, today is a new day and we just have to take it one day at a time. One appointment at a time.

As I’ve had time to process what a bone marrow transplant looks like, and though we are incredibly grateful that it’s a transplant that I can have done closer to home, it still is requiring an immense amount of obedience. And that’s all we can do to get through this journey – trust and obey.

You see, obedience changes our perspective from us to Him. So much of my heart and mind don’t want to go through cancer again, especially a bone marrow transplant, for that matter. I have really wrestled with that reality, that my body seems to be failing me once again. As much as we have prayed for God to take this away, our story seems to be heading that way. And all we can do is obey. Take the focus off the circumstance and focus on Him.

Step out onto the water. Walk the road. Keep pressing onward. Trusting forward. Obey. And wouldn’t you know, when I find myself surrendering this journey to him, oh the peace that abounds. The rest my heart feels. The calm my mind embraces. All things only because of the grace of God.

Obedience changes my focus from myself and our journey, to the beauty of what God is going to do through this. Because that is what He promises. Obedience changes my perspective of what I think is important, to solely wanting to just glorify Him. Obedience changes our hearts from the old to new. It forces us to let go of the earthly and focus on the eternal. Obedience opens the door for us to see how He sustains, even amidst the confusion and frustration. Obedience leads us to new opportunities that we may have missed if we didn’t follow His lead. Obedience opens up the door to God-cidences (divine moments designed by him) and miracles that we may have missed if we didn’t obey.

One evening while lying in bed, I was very frank with God. I asked, “Why again?” The words “I will provide what you need” flooded my mind. When I told him how frustrated I was, the words, “Just see what I will do,” rang through my heart, time and time again. I felt held. Embraced. An intimate moment with my Savior.

Let’s do it, God, I’m ready. I can’t wait to see what you’re going to do.

Obedience requires surrender, but also creates anticipation for what God CAN do. God’s plans are SO much better than mine. Sometimes I’d like to think I have it all figured out and tell God how in my mind, “this” would make more sense. Oh Kristin, ye of little faith. Do you not know that what God has planned is FAR BETTER than what I could ever think of? Even amidst cancer, heart failure, and a transplant? God’s blessings are far greater than my limited vision can see.

God has given EACH of us, a front row seat to the beauty of His perfect plan. His perfect story. He is constantly moving behind the scenes, to ensure He uses us for the specific reason He designed us for.

And our job is just to OBEY.

**Side note: I have a bone marrow biopsy next Tuesday in Ann Arbor to see if the leukemia is back. If it is, I will need to go through chemo to put me in remission, before I can have a bone marrow transplant. If it is not, they want to start the BMT ASAP, so that I don’t have to go through that extra week of treatment. I will need to go through a conditioning chemo to kill the bone marrow in my body. From what the dr. said, it’s one of the most intense chemos out there. Lovely. We haven’t lost hope that God can still perform a miracle and cause my numbers to regulate. It’s that balance of living in reality, but believing in our Waymaker, miracle-worker, and promise-keeper all the same.

Some have been so gracious in asking how they can help. One gift we do have is the gift of preparing a bit more, compared to the last time. Once we get a timeline, we will humbly share those ways, knowing it will take a village once again, to get us through this. Right now we just have umpteen appointments to get through :). But most of all, we just ask for prayers for patience, understanding, and for God to make His name known through this and that we will represent Him well. As always, thank you for walking with us!