Leukemia Journey Update

Every night when Mazy goes to bed, we read a devotional. I softly in my head pray that whatever is read, that it influences her faith. And wouldn’t you know, it even more so, influenced mine tonight.

Today we met with the bone marrow transplant team in Grand Rapids, and to put it plain and simple, it was hard. Hard to imagine that we are even at this point again. Date-wise, I came home a year ago from my first induction treatment at U of M. How are we even at this point again? Isn’t once enough? With a heart issues? Despite the difficulty of the day, we were so blessed with a a nurse and PA from the team who relate to our faith and is trusting forward with us. Those faith conversations encouraged our hearts and was what we needed as we digested the information shared with us.

After today, my head is telling me it’s game over, I’m going to get cancer again, we are moving forward as if it is, and it’s a done deal. And it’s true. We are moving forward with a bone marrow transplant, as if it’s back. We are taking all the steps needed to get me set up for one (it’s a LONG process). BUT IT’S NOT a done deal. And that’s where I need my head to stay connected to my heart.

I’ve struggled to rest in the miracle God has already done with my heart. For an ejection fraction to rise almost 20% in one year, with leukemia? It’s a miracle. But I feel I haven’t been able to just rest in the joy of that, with all of the planning needed for a bone marrow transplant.

But I’m not officially a “cancer patient” YET.

Back to the devotional I read to Mazy tonight. It was no mistake that this was the prayer…

God, You know the desires of my heart. You know what I am hoping for. Today I’m fearless asking for them, and I am determined to trust Your answer no matter what.

After singing a few songs, realizing she was out cold, I walked out of her bedroom and just cried. Does God see our pain? Our weariness? Our hopes? Our dreams?

He sees every one of them. He knows the desires of my heart. But I have fear. I admitted to Dan tonight that I’m a little bit scared. But we REFUSE to let the devil overtake our home with feelings of fear and worry. THIS IS NOT WHO I AM IN CHRIST. I am free. I am safe. I am embraced. I am not bound by fear. I am not floundering. I am not alone. And there is nothing God CAN’T DO.

And this is why we are going to FEARLESSLY pray that God will perform a miracle once again. I feel selfish asking for yet another one, after already receiving a HUGE miracle in my EF improving so that a transplant can hopefully happen closer to home, if needed. But that’s just it – if needed. I’m not going to let fear stop me from believing that God isn’t able. I’m going to fearlessly ask for the desires of our hearts – and that’s for God to reverse my abnormal cells and bring that number to zero. BECAUSE HE CAN. And if He doesn’t, we are going to TRUST His answer.

I am still working on living this out myself. But I am determined to. I need to. Because this is the faith God calls me to. And I KNOW, you are facing something in your life, that God knows what your desires are. Are you going to join me in fearlessly praying for them? But trusting God’s ultimate answer?

On the way to school this morning AND while driving home, Mazy and I listened to the song “Waymaker” by Michael W. Smith. This is God. We were belting it out, believing in our hearts, that HE is the miracle worker. We humbling ask you, if you think of it, to pray for God to eradicate these abnormal cells from my body. There is nothing I can do. It’s all up to Him. Our faith tells us he can. And regardless of his answer, we pray we can trust Him no matter what the outcome.