Words That I Have Struggled To Find

I know I haven’t blogged as much as I used to, but sometimes I am not sure what to say.

Odd, coming from a girl who can talk your ear off!

But since finding out that we are going to have a baby, I have a hard time knowing how to say what I want to say.

The reason being: we know the pain of not being able to carry.

We know what it feels like to hear the words “congratulations,” directed at someone who just found out they were expecting. We know the feeling of hearing talk about trying to conceive, the joys, the laughter, and the excitement. We know the feeling of listening to others talk about dreams of parenting, buying baby clothes, celebrating birthdays, and creating a family. All when we were not able to do the same. It was far from easy, and yet, we now find ourselves in those “other’s” shoes.

This experience has taught my heart so much. My heart is overflowing. I wish I knew then, what I know now. I wish I knew back in 2010, after hearing about not being able to have our own children, that God would heal my heart. I wish I knew back in 2001, when I had open heart surgery, that God would give me the gift of becoming a mother in 2012. I wish I knew, how to better deal with the pain of grief and loss, so that it doesn’t take away from those who celebrate. That line, right there, is why I wish I had more faith.

I found myself in such a deep dark place, when we went through so much loss. Is it hard to not be self-focused while working through all the emotions of grief? Of course. But as a Christian, there is more to this life than myself. There are others who celebrate the gift of new life. The joys of having a new child. Easy for me to say, as I sit here pregnant. I get that. But I want those who are still grieving, who are still struggling, who are still waiting: that we still understand. Changes in circumstances don’t take away the path of the past. It was still traveled upon – the memories etched forever in our story. The scenery and emotions of that path still implanted deeply.

But I also say all of this because I want those to know who are still on the road of infertility or not being able to have your own children, that it is worth your faith, to keep hope. I tell you this after 8 years of being married and thinking children would never happen. I tell you this after hearing in 2001 (13 years ago), that my heart problem would compromise my ability to have children. I tell you this because I want you to have hope. We were told again and again, years ago, to have hope. I laughed. I shrugged it off. But God offered hope through the gestational carrier process. God offered hope after healing my heart. God restored our hope when we found out that we would be parents once again – in a very personal way.

To this day, I still wake up every morning, in awe of what God has done. It still has not fully sunk in, as we are still overwhelmed with joy. Almost 3 months later. I want those, no matter situation you are in, to hang on to hope. Not necessarily a circumstantial hope, but a hope knowing that God knows what He is doing. We knew God wasn’t done with us, even in our deepest of grieving moments. We knew there was more. But our hearts didn’t always believe it.

I want you to believe it. I want you to have hope.

That is why I feel I want to start posting more about this pregnancy. Not for my own personal benefit, but because it is God’s story. I just don’t want to keep silent what God is doing in our life. I chose to not keep silent during the struggles and pains, and so therefore, I do not want to keep silent during some of the greatest joys in our life.

I hope you take these words for what they are. They are words that I have struggled to say, words that I have struggled to formulate in my head. They are words that I pray, give you HOPE.