What a mix of emotions this weekend! Friday I was pretty okay emotionally after the initial blow. Dan was gone hunting and I was keeping myself busy so that helped. Saturday I headed up to GR to meet one of my best friends Tracie and we had a GREAT time together. It felt good to laugh just because I know laughter is a good medicine. At night I went with my mom to pick up my sister and her new hubby from the airport, so that was another “thing to do.” I went to bed last night thinking about how our life is going to be different. How I have to eventually deal with this whole “no biological kids.” I was starting to realize what that meant. I layed there just praying God would take those thoughts away from me and let me fall asleep soon before my mind got the best of me. And God provided me a good nights rest.
I woke up this morning missing Dan incredibly. I knew it was time to start the process. I had some great conversations with my mom before church and I realized that the tears were going to start to fall soon too. After church we went to Kate and John’s for opening wedding gifts, so it was good to be with a lot of people. Then I had the drive home. And it all started to come out. Everything that started to cross my mind brought me to tears. I will never hear a baby’s heartbeat in my tummy. I will never hear that first cry when a baby is born. I will never have the excitment of telling people I am pregnant. I will never know what I kids will look like if we did have a baby. We always talked about how our kids would be so tall and that they would probably love sports so we could go to their games all the time. All these things that we will never experience. We won’t have any that. Yes I know there is the route of adoption, but we just can’t even think about that right now. We have to get past this first. This is becoming so difficult!
When I was driving home, I kept thinking how I just want to be happy. I want to go back to this summer where this wasn’t weighing on my mind. Everything reminds me of what we are going through. People ask me how I’m doing and I always just say “good” but deep down I’m hurting, broken, and a wreck sometimes. I just want to cry. But I do feel I have joy. Sometimes it takes me awhile to find it, but in my heart there is joy b/c I know that God has this all working out for our good. How can I see this as good though? That’s where my definition of good is being happy – God says being joyful is being joyful even through the tough circumstances. This is going to be tough!
I’ve come to terms that we need to grieve. That was a category I didn’t feel right putting ourselves in, but I’ve realized that it’s true. We need to grieve what we don’t have. And this grieving process is going to take awhile. It may take months. But I know we need to deal with it now! What does grieving something you don’t have look like? I don’t have a clue. This is a road we have never been down. But I know God will carry us through this.
So what’s this coming week going to look like? When I saw Dan when I came home I didn’t want to let go. I just wanted hugs. I need his hugs. I told him it’s going to be a long week! I already have times set up when I am getting together with dear friends, so I am already looking forward to that. I am also hoping that Dan and I are given time to just talk and have good talks. This is going to be a long road, but we signed up to do it together when we got married and we are not going to let this defeat us!
Pray that God will give us guidance. We don’t know what the future holds and it hasn’t been more uncertain til now, but there will be certainty some day. Yes we still have to hear from Mayo, but I have to just put that behind me because we aren’t expecting to hear anything different. If we do, great, but we’ve been on this road before.
Thank you for all of your prayers, thoughts, and love. We appreciate every bit of it.