Beyond These 4 Walls

A week ago, we could’ve never imagined that we would be walking the road of leukemia. A word I knew NOTHING about, 7 days ago. With severe heart failure. There are some things in life that you can imagine or picture yourself going through, but this one? I’ve struggled. A week ago, I sat weeping, distraught at the news, going through all the stages of grief, and wondering why God would allow something like this in my life? How much is enough, God? But God doesn’t measure our life based on our circumstances, but on how we cling to him through those circumstances. Some things seem insurmountable and to be quite honest, this does. But this past week, I see my needs being provided at every turn. I see a God who cares about the little details. He cares that I am in between these 4 walls. And He cares about what I say and do within them too. This too, is with a purpose.

Each detail with this leukemia journey is not set in place and sometimes that drives me crazy, but one thing leukemia has taught me is that there is no “rush”…it all just takes time to work. The differences between heart failure and leukemia could not be more vast. So while going through both at the same time, it can feel like a mental overload. It is testing every part of my faith and I don’t always like it! I cry. I get overwhelmed. I get choked up thinking about all of the things that I won’t be able to be a part of, when I already feel limited. But in this season too, God doesn’t see this as a mistake, but an opportunity for Him to showcase His glory. We get a front-row seat. But what’s next after this?

Beyond these 4 walls, there is a life out there that I will eventually have the privilege of entering again. The doctors tell me this is all so up in the air, depending on many variables, but they also wouldn’t share these things if they didn’t think I could walk the road others have, even if they don’t have heart failure.

I will be at the University of Michigan for about another 3 weeks on the cancer floor. I will then have a bone marrow biopsy where they will be able to determine if I am getting close to remission. If I’m heading in that direction, I will go home for a week or so, then come back a week later and go through another round of my 5-day chemo treatment plan, inpatient. Then come back home again, and 4 weeks later, come back again for another 5-day inpatient chemo treatment, come home, and do it about 4-5 times total. In the meantime, between treatments, I will be going in 3x a week, if not daily, for labs, along with more follow-ups, appointments, and platelet and blood transfusions. And of course it’ll be the dead of winter, so maybe a hospital stay for fever or infection, but let’s hope not!

I finally had the guts to ask how long I will be out of commission working through all of this, and the doctor said about 6 months. Now in the grand scheme of things, that isn’t long at all when it comes to cancer. But boy, when you’re sitting in the middle of it all, I realize that brings us all the way to March.That means not being able to work with the kids at school, which is incredibly hard. Like I’ve said so many times, that school is so life-giving to me. It’s a place I find I can invest myself in, outside of my heart failure and now leukemia. We are hoping after those 6 months that I will still be in remission and miraculously, close to a cure. I am almost scared to say the word, “CURE” because it is so far-fetched at this point, but remission is not. Remission could possibly be 3-4 weeks away. Small steps. I just saw a nurse in the hallway and she was cheering me on as I was walking. She was a night nurse early on in this process, so she helped me work through some of those tough tears, but she kept saying tonight, “YOU ARE DOING THIS.” I put my head down and thought yup, I am and I WILL. I thought I wanted to fight through heart failure, but leukemia all the more. I am bound and determined to fight until CURED.

It is hard to envision what life will look like the next 6 months; I can’t envision it, so I try not to spend too much time dwelling on it. God has already gone before me, so no reason for me to try and figure it out, but this is what leaves me wide-eyed at night. Will I miss holidays? I don’t think so. How will Mazy adjust to me being home, but still not healthy? Not sure. What will my new life look like with heart failure and leukemia? I don’t have a clue. But I can’t sit here and wonder. I have to accept the situation God has our family in and beyond these 4 walls, God has it already taken care of.

Now it’s just time to take it step by step.