Hesitancy In Dreaming
Are you a dreamer?
Do you find yourself daydreaming about your next vacation, tomorrow, your life in 20 years, or even things that you really know will never happen? I have the joy of being married to a dreamer – I say that positively because my husband has taught me to think outside the box. Maybe his ADD aids in his dreaming, but I love it. His dreaming and innovative ideas have taught me to just have fun in life. If you know Dan, you know what I am talking about.
Going through the IVF process for almost a year in planning for our two little Hooties, we had a lot of time to dream. We would dream about what we would do with them. How we would dress them. What we would name them. How tall they would be. Who they would look like. All things we couldn’t wait to see come true.
But God had a different plan. God used them to allow us to dream. To allow us for 1 year, to think about what it would be like to have our own family. A dream we never thought possible, but God sent us one of our best friends, our carrier, and a relationship with have with her and her family, that is like no other. Still to this day.
After our two babies were taken home, it was hard to dream. I honestly struggled with dreaming about children since we got married. Dreaming made me vulnerable – made me believe that maybe the impossible would happen. I was hesitant to dream because I didn’t want my heart to be drawn a direction God was not taking it.
In a way, we gave up dreaming about our own children after we lost our first two. We rarely talked about kids, except the fact that we didn’t think we would have them. We had so much pressure to adopt, but it brought too much pain, still. God was not leading us in that direction. And trust me, it was hard to explain.
Now we know why.
God has opened up our hearts to dream again. To believe in miracles. To believe what seemed like the impossible, might happen.
I still hesitate to dream. Why? We have learned that it is a hard balance dreaming about children, yet take life one step at a time. Like I’ve said before, Dan and I didn’t have much to say after we found out about my heart. Not that we weren’t joyful. Not that we weren’t beyond thrilled about what God had done. We just found ourselves speechless and we had to prepare our hearts to dream again.
It is a vulnerable place to be.
To open up our hearts and minds to the idea of children again, does bring up thoughts of the past and our love for our two children in heaven. Dreaming about future children reminds us that if God blesses us with a child, that this child will have siblings in heaven. Dreaming about children reminds us that life is so fragile and giving them to the Lord whether here on earth or in heaven, is what He ultimately wants.
We don’t know if I will get pregnant. That may seem like a sentence full of doubt, but God has taught us to not lose sight of His plans for our life as they can drastically change, like with our two in heaven. Oh we so pray. We so hope that God blesses us with earthly children. We are so eager to travel down this path!
And traveling down this path means we have the opportunity to dream. Dream about what we would name them. Who they will look like. How tall they will be. What we will do with them. How we will parent. We are slowly becoming vulnerable again to God’s plans for our life. It is not an easy road and when we did not expect this, it has taken us awhile to let this all soak in.
But with that said, we are READY. We are ready to dream. We are ready to let our faith carry us. We are ready to see what God’s story is for this chapter in our life.
We are dreaming BIG.
