More Than Just One: Raising an Only Child

I never thought the day would come. The day when I would hear the news that my heart was healthy enough to have a child. I never once considered that I would be a parent to an only child, but let me tell you, this little daughter of ours is more than “just one.”

Having a child was not that easy for us; as I know is the story for many women. Having children is an incredible blessing, but because of a broken world, it’s something that burdens women’s aching hearts daily. Our daughter’s birth was intensely surreal; a day I still reminisce about often. Even though her birth was a complete miracle considering my heart issues, we safely knew after her birth, that we were done having children. And when I say done, that word is filled with contentment and completion, not a settling of any sorts.

I am often asked while out and about, how many children I have. My simple reply is, “She’s our only, but what a gift she is.” That comment often catches many by surprise because “only children” often have a stigma behind them. I’ll raise my hand too, in agreement. Before having kids, I often wondered why someone would have only one child. Though really, it’s not that uncommon. In fact, in 2017, within married couples, 40% of families only had one child in the home. That doesn’t take into effect if they had more children years later or the fact that some had already flown the coop. But in the home, 40% were “only” children. So why do I feel I have to justify the “why”?

I sometimes feel by other’s responses, that we are crazy. Like why would we choose that? That in order to be successful, have a good life, and have “the” life, you need to have more than one? But our daughter is more than “just one” to us. She was given to us by the very gracious hands of God. When all hope seemed lost, God swept up our broken pieces, molded them back together, and made something even MORE beautiful. A child that holds so much of our story. A child that represents hope restored. A child that God had wrapped up since the beginning of time, waiting to give to us as the most perfect gift, and oh the joy it brings for us to continue unwrapping that gift everyday through parenting her.

I’ll be the first to admit though, raising an only child has it’s unique gifts and challenges, just like it does with any child. Our daughter is almost 5 at the time of this writing, and over the past 5 years, I have learned much about parenting in general (and I sure have a LOT more to learn too…), but I have also learned much about parenting an only child. So what do we try to be mindful of as we raise an “only”?

Encourage interactions with others.

When our daughter was born, we knew one of the biggest things we wanted to encourage in her life was relationships. Though I suppose that goes for any child, right? We are in the ministry field, so our daughter gets PLENTY of interaction with teenagers, but we also find it valuable for her to spend time with cousins, church friends, people at the park, library events, school, etc. Though being an only, she enjoys that alone time too. Everything in moderation, right? She may not learn some lessons as quickly as others would if she had a sibling in the home, but we try to foster this idea the best we can.

Set boundaries.

Our daughter feels DEEPLY. Emotions are a big deal in her life and as crazy as the emotional rollercoaster is, in the end, we are thankful for that trait of hers. But we’ve also learned we have to set boundaries. She is strong-willed and sure about many things in life. Mind you, she’s still only 4. So setting boundaries when it comes to what we allow her to do and not do, has been paying off. Are we more lax about some things than others? Absolutely. But isn’t every parent? Part of that boundary setting is also setting boundaries and expectations when it comes to chores around the house. It would be easy to do everything for her because we only have one to think about, but she is learning to put her dishes in the dishwasher, put away her toys every night, brush her teeth, get ready, etc. We sure have a long ways to go, but we are hoping the boundaries eventually pay off.

Give the gift of love.

There is this stigma around only children, that they are spoiled. That they get whatever they want and are entitled. Boy is that one thing we want to counteract as much as possible! One of the best ways we try to do that is through delaying that instant gratification. Do we go to the dollar store and allow her to get one thing? Absolutely. Does she get everything she asks for? Not a chance. One of the best things we feel we can give her, is time together. Time reading together. Playing games together. Just being together. No object will ever be able to replace time together in our minds.

Let it go.

Yes, our daughter’s favorite movie is “Frozen.” So it’s only by default, that we hear the song, “Let it go,” time and time again. But I have found that idea ringing through my head over and over. As a parent, it’s easy to want to raise a “perfect” child. To parent perfectly. To do everything just right. But if anything, parenting has made me eat my slice of humble pie on the daily. And sometimes I just have to “let it go.” With raising an only, just like ANY parent, I have to realize she’s not going to be perfect and neither am I. She is uniquely, fearfully, and wonderfully made, and I want to treat her as such.

No matter how many kids you have – whether it be one, two, three, four, five, or more, each child has a specific purpose – a purpose set out long before we ourselves were even born. No child is “just one” or “just two…”

Every child is a gift from God and every child deserves to be seen as MORE. So to all those parents out there who have struggled in the past, are struggling, or have yet to know that they may struggle to have children, don’t ever think “I have JUST…”

God has ordained our life stories just so, so that they fit into the building of his Kingdom – even if it means raising only one child!