One More Year In The Books

A few months after I had back-to-back open heart surgeries, I just couldn’t process all that had happened in my life. PTSD, including many flashbacks and nightly sweats, woke me up in a panic at night, all too often. I couldn’t get through my days without crying, even though my only goal was to make it from my recliner to the kitchen without having to stop and rest. I was not in a good spot in life. I was surviving, not thriving and I knew I needed to talk to someone.

My assignment might come across as an odd activity, to some. I was asked to write my own obituary, as if I had passed that day. Then my next assignment was to write my own obituary, as if I had lived to 100 years old. One might think that it was a rather morbid activity, having been through some life-threatening scenarios, but it was life-changing for me. It allowed me to see beyond my current scenario, and see that wow, God had so much more in store for me! The list of what I was hoping to do in life yet, just kept coming. More books written, more lives influenced, and maybe even a heart failure ministry someday.

Here I am, 4 years later, almost to the day. Some days are a complete physical battle, but it makes each year, an incredible milestone. And the older I get, the more I’ve learned that I care less about the things I used to, and more about the things I should’ve. I sit here, now at 38, and…

I just want you to love Jesus. Do I like a clean house? Do I like to get ready in the morning and put on makeup? You bet! But in the end, all that really matters is whether or not I keep Jesus as my King. For you, all I care about is whether or not you have Jesus as your #1. My utmost desire in life is for people to see Jesus in my life and I have so far to go in every area of my life. But it’s something I wake up thinking about every day – how can I give glory to Him? What Jesus has done for me, He has also done for you. And I want you to live unashamedly and unapologetically in that truth.

I just want real, folks. I don’t care if you don’t have it all together. I don’t care if you haven’t washed your hair in a week, because I’ll say “me too”! I just want real conversations, real looks, real lives, and real feelings. I’ll FULLY admit that sometimes when I’m asked if I’m good, I say yep! Because in the moment I am. But sometimes, it’s pretty rough when I think about the big picture. Blood test results didn’t say what I had hoped, our daughter was up too many times during the night and I’m tired, and I had to literally look down and see if I changed out of my slippers before I left the house. But that is life. And that’s what I want from you too. When we try to disguise our lives as something it isn’t, how is that relatable? Social media only allows us to see a small percentage of someone’s life, and that’s where real relationships need to come into play. Being real in conversations. Being real with feelings. Being real with how life is really going. Let’s just be real.

I just want to live each day to the fullest. What if today was your last? How would you spend it? Never more than before, have I valued relationships. And yet, it’s the very thing that I feel like our world is willing to throw away. As a family of God, as believers in Christ, we are all in it together. But why do we treat our “family” as one that is constantly at odds with each other? We are all one race. One people. At the foot of the cross. There is no difference in the eyes of God, so why do we see each other as different? In living each day to the fullest, I want my life to reflect that we are all one at the foot of the cross. On top of that, I want my life to reflect truth and His glory. I’m still in the sanctifying process, so please give me some grace, but every day, what a JOY it is to wake up and see what God has in store for me!

So here’s to 38! God has graciously given me 38 years, when medically speaking, my life should’ve looked very differently. I can’t wait to see what this next year brings and even more so, what each DAY will bring.