When We Wonder If He’s Listening

This is a picture from 4 years ago. I often find myself looking back at that time of life, due to the significant impact it continues to have on our life, to this day.

My face sunken in, scars scabbed over, strength minimal, with an inability to hold my then 2 1/2 year old daughter on my lap. This was the closest we could get to that feeling and yet both of our hearts desired so much more. Stroking her hair, rubbing her back, doing all that I could to show I loved her. But there was this barrier for far too long, that we didn’t think would make the impact it has.

I may look completely “normal” on the outside, but heart failure has taken its toll. It is a hard disease and one that impacts our family daily. That sweet girl, all snuggled on my lap, has gone through more than we ever imagined, and yet our bonds couldn’t be stronger. Sometimes the guilt of how heart failure has effected us all isn’t  easy to push away, but this picture proves to me that God is faithful. I have shed many many tears, trying to balance heart failure and what our sweet girl is going through, but at the end of the day, God IS faithful.

It has been a tough year for her, and oh the thoughts her little mind contemplates: Why did God allow her siblings to go to heaven? Why can’t mommy have any more babies? Why can’t mommy always be with me? Such deep questions that her mommy and daddy don’t know full answers to either. As hard as these questions are to process with her, we pray that they only build a testimony of faith for her – of God’s faithfulness, goodness, and mercy. Sometimes I weep right along with her, as she wrestles with these questions, but may our tears together, only grow our longing for heaven. These questions have allowed us to discuss heaven and what happens when we get there, in such a tangible way. We will get to see the twins. Mommy’s heart will be completely healed. Tangible concepts that make heaven so real.

And let me tell you this: A few weeks ago, Mazy asked God for a snow storm and you know what? The next morning, we woke up to the first snow storm of the season. She ran to the front windows, threw her fists in the air, and yelled, “God answered my prayers!” It wasn’t a “look at the snow”, it was recognizing what God had done. Amen, girl.

God isn’t just a God who we can only ask the big questions to, but also the small ones. He cares about those little desires, like when a 6-year-old asks for a snowstorm. And I need to remember that even through the hard months of helping our sweet girl work through her emotions and the trauma she’s experienced, that God cares about the little details too.

God sees, God knows, God hears. ALWAYS.