Til Death Do Us Part
In May, Dan and I will be celebrating 19 years of marriage! Even more mind-boggling is the fact that we are 1 year away from 20 years. How in the WORLD did that happen?
Last week I talked about “From Surviving To Thriving – Marriage” and wanted to continue the conversation because again, marriage is something we don’t talk enough about. One of the things I mention in my previous post is that in marriage, it’s like we married 5-7 different “people” because both partners change. It is inevitable. And it’s often through significant life experiences, that we change the most. Really, it’s a tragedy if we go through any hardship without growing or changing (for the good) because that’s exactly why God allows them – for our own good. But even in those experiences, the change can leave us changing in ways we don’t recognize or know how to comprehend with our spouses.
I don’t know if you’ve heard of a “life impact timeline”, but this is often something counselors will use as a visual tool to help identify significant life events that have occurred in one’s life.
Well, I propose we create “marriage impact timelines” (not sure one exists, but I’m creating one). Draw a horizontal line (like a timeline), then write impactful event, either positive or negative, above or below the line. This can be from your honeymoon, buying a house, having a child, medical situations, first steps, child getting their license, sending a child off to college, empty nesting, and much more.
What would you list on your “marriage impact timeline?” For us, it would include (though not exhaustive):
- Honeymoon to Riviera Maya, Mexico
- Buying our first home
- Being told we couldn’t have our own children
- Our dear friend Brenda offering to carry a baby for us
- Losing our twins
- Dan losing his job
- Moving to Minnesota
- Healing mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually in Minnesota
- Miraculous heart healing that led to the birth of Mazy
- Moving to back to Michigan for Dan’s job
- Buying a house that we didn’t see until the day we moved in – and it had a POOL!
- Having 2 open heart surgeries in less than 3 weeks
- Suffering from heart failure
- Watching Mazy grow, but also helping her work through the trauma of my health struggles
- Being diagnosed with leukemia not once, but twice
- Having a bone marrow transplant
- Being part of an amazing church, school, and community
Here’s an idea of what ours would look like with some of the events listed:
Again, this is just a sampling of some events – not all. Some of these events are filled with so much joy, others with such debilitating sorrow. Some, life and death experiences, where “til death do us part” became very real to us.
All of these life experiences make up the story of our marriage; one that God wrote before the beginning of time. In creating a marriage impact timeline, it may be helpful to put the positive experiences above the line and those that were difficult below, putting those most difficult the lowest, then drawing a line between them all. What you most likely will end up with is a bumpy road with many hills and valleys!
So what do we do with all of these experiences? They definitely shape not just our marriage, but who we are, don’t they?
I want to share a resource with you that my friend, Brenda, recommended to us. Their church offered these assessments to any congregant who wanted to participate. Dan and I took the plunge after her recommendation and honestly, it was extremely eye-opening, helpful, encouraging, humbling, and at times comical!
It’s called “Better Love” by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, who wrote the 5 Love Languages book. How it works: each person takes the assessment (takes about 15 minutes), and then they compile your answers to create a “report, so to speak”. You will get an email with customized insight into YOUR relationship (it is NOT generic, but based on your results and answers), along with a large action plan to help you get back on track.
Now when I say “get back on track”, I’m going to safely assume that we ALL can work on our marriages! Even if you are in the “highs” of your marriage impact timeline, what better time to do this than now? And if you’re in your lowest of lows, what better time to do this than now?
When Dan and I sat down and started to go through our results, we found ourselves humbled, with little defensiveness in conversation about it, but much compassion, as we learned so much more about each other! Like I said, we even found ourselves laughing in agreement with the findings! We haven’t gone through each section yet because it honestly takes time. But the report doesn’t just stop there – the assessment gives you questions to ask, tools to use to encourage communication, ideas for dates that are meaningful, and SO MUCH MORE! In other words, you’ll get an email that has links to your report and then the action plan. Again, after you both take it, the results come back very shortly after.
I am not an affiliate of this program, but just a true believer in it. I now know why my friend suggested this to us because again, it doesn’t matter WHERE you are at in your marriage, this tool is incredibly insightful, and I couldn’t help but share it with you!
If you end up taking the assessment (both parties need to do it), please let me know! I’d love to hear what you thought of it!
You can learn more about it by clicking below:
