Where We Are At

So the Sterks.

We are definitely still in the “lull” of wondering where God wants us! We believe 100% that He is preparing a place for us at this exact moment, and moving people or things around so that wherever He has us go next, we can fit right in. We know God will not call us to something, without having a grand purpose in mind. We are starting to realize that we really have the whole world to go to – God could call us ANYWHERE. It is just finding the “right” place. There are opportunities close by, not so close by, and in Africa. It is so hard to know where and even when, when we don’t have a clear direction from God – so that means we just sit back, wait, and continue to pray. Sometimes our minds go crazy on us in wondering “where next,” but without our belief that God is in control, I think we would go insane :). Each week brings new challenges, but challenges that are growing us. You may wonder what challenges do we have when we have lost a lot, but really, God keeps us on our toes. He has brought us to that “helpless” state, which as a Christian, I suppose is a good place to be because it makes us fully rely on Him. But it’s hard. A complete desire to live for Him, is His desire for us. We need to be willing to keep giving up more and more for Him – to live for Him. We have grown in ways we never imagined, but we are continually thankful to Him, for protecting us as well, from more hurts that could’ve occured.

As for the babies – oh we miss them! The other day I looked in our backseat and thought “wonder what it would be like to have two carseats back there?” We just feel our time “with” them (though they were in Brenda), was just too short. I have a necklace that a dear friend gave me with the date of them going Home, and two sets of footprints that say “forever in my heart.” I LOVE wearing that necklace because they do go with me everyday – in my heart. God changed our life through them – He grew our dependance for Him and grew our desire NEED for Him and Him alone. I know we are still grieving – it just comes out in ways I don’t expect sometimes. Last night Dan and I were talking and I think I am just so on guard with my heart. I am afraid to talk to people sometimes because I am scared that they will trigger an emotion I may not be ready to deal with at that moment. Someone may say something and tears will start falling. I am scared that someone will say something hurtful about all the church stuff and not be ready for it. I have been scared to go out on my own. I have been since we lost the babies. I don’t go many places by myself – I always want Dan with me. I don’t like what grief does to me, but I know God is working in me, just making me stronger. I know there will be a day when I will feel like myself again, but I know there are little bits and pieces that still need healing – going out on my own is one of them. I am just so on guard of my emotions and heart that I still love the security of Dan. We have been through so much together and to not be “with” him in a hard time makes it very hard on me – so I solve that problem by always making sure he’s with me. I know, I may sound crazy, but that is just where I am at. Still grieving in little ways, but knowing that God is just increasing my trust in Him. I have never felt closer to my heavenly Father and for that I am so blessed and thankful. I can say thank you God (with tears in my eyes) for all that you have taken us through because without it, I would not be in a deeper relationship with Him.

I guess I sometimes expect for us to just be okay because it’s been almost 2 months since we lost our two little ones. But I KNOW (from my social work background) that it takes a long time and it’s okay. Sometimes it’s good to just be reminded of that – to know that it’s okay to cry, to still struggle. Truly we are doing okay – we DEFINITELY have way more good days than bad, but like Dan still says when people ask how we are doing “depends on the day.” I am so blessed to have a husband to go through this with. Most of all, God who continues to shower His love on us. Also, a family who continues to support us and love us so deeply. Ah, we love our families so much!

We are so eager to continue to follow God in this journey because we know if we stick close to Him, He will continue to carry us. We just can’t WAIT to see what’s NEXT! Until then, we rest in Him.