You Give and Take Away

So what brought us to this point? This part of the story, I am so excited to tell!

As many of you know, last fall was rough. I had gone through a few tests and each one was pointing closer and closer to the fact that we could not have our own children. We realized that we just had to accept it. At that point, no test was going to give us the results we were looking for – it just wasn’t there. We were devasted. We both grieved differently. I cried. Dan coped by telling himself “well fine, I didn’t want kids anyways.” It was just the best way we knew. Over the past year, we learned to be content. Content with the situation God gave us. Content that we will never have our own kids. It took awhile to get there, but we became content. And God knew, that is exactly what we needed.

While God was working on our hearts, teaching us how to be content no matter WHAT the circumstance, God was calling Brenda to an incredible task. Brenda is a very close and dear friend of mine. I would cry with her, vent to her, and just be myself with her. She knew my deepest struggles with not having my own kids. She knew it hurt deeply. Little did I know, that as I was learning to let go, God was giving to her, the desire to be pregnant again. And yes, this is all occuring AT THE EXACT SAME TIME. October/November of last year.

Brenda was not sure if she was hearing God correctly as she was praying. So, she told herself and God, “I am going to pursue this idea of being a gestational carrier until God closes the door.” Well, doors kept opening. Did they open at a fast pace? Not necessarily. But there is a reason why.

If Brenda would have come to us a year ago, after we had found out that we could not have our own, we would not be where we are today. We would’ve CLINGED to that hope of having our own through Brenda, instead of clinging to God. We would’ve put our hope in having our own instead of putting our hope in God. It took us a whole year to get there.

Meanwhile, Brenda is going to the Fertility Clinic in Grand Rapids, getting tests done. She passed with flying colors. The only thing that was missing was the “when.” Brenda did not feel the timing was right, so she sat and waited. Waited for MONTHS. As we have talked, we have realized that it is ONLY GOD who could’ve perfected the timing. God knew Dan and I’s hearts weren’t ready for such news – God was still working on us. So he made Brenda wait. Well, this past summer, Tim told Brenda it was time. That it was time to tell us. That was all Brenda needed to hear. She told God that until Tim told her that, that she wasn’t going mention it. Well, God answered that prayer. So, a month or so later, they presented the idea.

Who would’ve thought? That for a whole year, God was orchestrating this plan. Dan and I had to learn to let go – to let go of a dream. God knew we had to completely let go before He could reintroduce our dream to us. We truly believe that if Brenda would’ve told us last fall, it would not have been good. I think I would’ve been angry – I would’ve thought “I don’t NEED someone else – I’m supposed to be that person.” I felt I deserved to carry our own. But I have learned that my life is not my own – even my body. My body, my mind, and my heart are GOD’S and GOD’S alone! I NEEDED God and NOTHING else. I could no longer put my faith in anything else – even my body – my faith had to solely be grounded in God.

As Brenda and I talk, we continually find ways how God’s sovereign plan is only perfect. A year is a LONG TIME folks, when you’re talking about something this huge. God gave Brenda the patience, while God was busy working on Dan and I. And God is doing all of this at the same time. To think that this is how God constantly works! I am reminded of the song Blessed Be the Name of the Lord – the song that is currently playing on our blog. The line “you give and take away,” rings so incredibly true in this story! He GAVE Brenda the desire, and God “took away” the ability to have our own. And God GAVE again – the chance and hope of having our own.

And now our hearts truly say, BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD.