Starting At The Wrong Line

Every 6 weeks, I am tested for the specific type of leukemia that took over my blood. And every 6 weeks, the cycle of unknowns and worry flow through my mind, which eventually effect my body. The level of “scanxiety” rises each time, even though each time I tell myself “I’m not going to let it this time”.

Going through the ups and downs of these tests and even my blood tests every 2 weeks, is tolling. Each time I can’t help but think, “Is it back?” Again, I try not to let my mind go there, but unfortunately, cancer has been our reality for the past 2 years, creating a sense of normalcy in our thinking.

Now granted I’m in the process of waiting for the results of one of these cancer tests to come back, but so far, I have been cancer free! What an answer to prayer! But why can’t I believe it? Trust it? Live without fear of it? I asked myself what it would take to help me get rid of this fear and I narrowed it down to wanting to be guaranteed my cancer will never come back.

And that day will not come, this side of heaven.

Yes, as time marches forward, the chances do decrease, but who’s to say I won’t get another type of cancer? Or even another random diagnosis for that matter? I’m looking for something that I will never get.

So now what? Where do I go from here? The one thing I desire, I will never get?

Here lies the problem:

I’m at the wrong starting line. My starting line isn’t Scripture or God’s character. My starting line is my limited view of what’s best for me. And I’ve got it all backwards. And it’s a guaranteed losing race every time.

Psalm 18 is filled with beautiful promises that should’ve been my starting line from the beginning. The Lord is my rock, fortress, deliverer (v. 2); He is my shield and horn of my salvation, my stronghold (v. 2); He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters (v. 16); He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me (v. 19). You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall (vs. 28-29).

As for GOD, HIS WAY IS PERFECT (v. 30)

What guarantees are you consistently desiring, pursuing, and worrying towards? Safety? Preventing sickness? Pain? Cancer? Are you even obsessively trying to prevent death?

Psalm 18 reminds us that despite what God allows, He already goes before us, knowing how to handle each situation we enter into. He GUARANTEES that HIS WAY IS PERFECT. What more could we ask for?

God guarantees salvation for those who love him. All of these unknowns will one day be blown away by the sound of the trumpet, when Christ comes amongst us all, putting his guarantee into reality. Until then, I need to stop searching for something I will never get. But walk confidently in God’s perfect will, knowing He will make a perfect way.