Waiting Is The Hard Part

Praying is the easy part…the waiting is not.

I often find myself praying about something to release the worry, but then minutes later, am thinking about it again. Telling God all of my troubles is one thing, but it’s the waiting and wondering after, that is the hard part. I can trust God when I am praying to him, but what about after I say “Amen”? Then what?

With all that has happened with my health and all of the ups and downs, I often find myself just in conversation throughout the day with God. Something comes to mind, I bring it to him. Something bothers me, I bring it to him. It gives me someone to talk to (I’m really not lonely, but he’s always right there), but also releases that worry. But lately, I find myself wondering, what’s next? The next year or 2 will be very telling if my leukemia will come back. We basically just have to wait to see if it does and that is not easy. I can pray it doesn’t, but the waiting is the hard part. The waiting requires trust, faith, and remembering that God offers peace, amidst the unknowns.

We have also learned that since my last lung test (pulmonary function test to be exact) a few years ago, there has been a decrease in function, on multiple levels. This of course was very surprising to hear, especially after just getting “done” with cancer. It feels like one more thing to have to deal with. The reason for the decrease is unknown, but it could be drug-induced. Or, chemo is toxic so it could be from that as well. That’s the thing with chemo – kills one thing, but damages others. We aren’t without earthly hope though with this! I am weak. Cancer and chemo really took it out of me and I know I have a ways to go before I’m back to the strength I know I can be at. With that said, there is hope that as I “rehab” at home (as my pulmonologist calls it), that those numbers will increase. I’ve never been more motivated to try and get back into “shape” because I refuse to be diagnosed with lung disease. I don’t need one more diagnosis behind my name! The doctor isn’t there yet, but I’ve got some work to do. And this also requires praying and waiting. Waiting a few months and then getting retested to see if there is any improvement. I will also have a CT scan done to see what else is going on because my heart failure could also be causing a decrease as well.

It can feel like so many issues to juggle all at once. When U of M calls, I have to listen closely to which office they are from because I am currently seen at 5 different offices – electrophysiology, heart failure/transplant, cancer, device clinic (for my ICD), and now pulmonology. So many appointments to keep straight! I find it rather hilarious to be honest because I never imagined this. Gotta either laugh or cry, right? Yet at the same time, I couldn’t be in better care.

And so we pray. We pray God heals my body in many ways. That he keeps the cancer away, heals my heart failure and arrhythmia issues, and helps my lung function to increase. And we wait. I will do my part to take care of this ole body, and only time will tell to see what’s next. We pray it’s an uneventful rest of the year, but whatever God has in store for us, we know it’s part of his good and perfect plan for my life. And we trust in that.

There are no hands I’d rather be in, than in those of our Great Physician’s. We know he can heal these lungs too. What comfort and peace that brings!